The post below “Learning to Date at 48: Inner Journey” explains my inner journey in getting ready to start dating again after separating from my husband 18 months before. This one will talk about my dating exploits.
So, if you’ve read my post below you’ll know why I decided to go the online route when I started dating again. I only really started getting out there in March of this year. My goal was to meet at least 1 new guy a week. So, I wrote a profile, took some pics and off I went.
The way my online site works is that, if you find someone you’re interested in you can send them a ‘kiss’ for free. The kisses have one of several pre-defined contact lines. The recipient of the kiss can reply with one of several pre-defined responses (positive, negative or tell me more). If it’s positive the sender of the kiss typically sends an email and the conversation begins. You can correspond for 30 days on that one email (which the sender has to pay for) and it’s totally up to you when you escalate contact to regular email, phone or meeting.
I try to email a few times to get a sense of what they’re like, maybe talk on the phone once and then meet them if I’m interested.
My ratio was about 1/15. I’d meet 1 out of 15 men that ‘kissed’ me. Like I said, I’ve probably had 40 first dates since March. Of those first dates exactly 4 moved to 2nd dates, 3 to third dates and only 1 past that (more about him later).
And after 8 months of this, here are my observations so far. Please men, feel free to weigh in in the comments section...I’m sure women have their own idiosyncrasies, but since I’m not dating women I can only write about what I’ve found with men’s profiles. And fair is fair!
Okay, quick caveat...typical comments I get from people who have never done online dating when I tell them that I’m doing it is, “I’ve heard that people just lie in their profiles, they can’t be trusted” and “Only losers who can’t find dates any other way do online dating” (ouch!)
I have to point out that I’ve met some great men online, and a few have become good friends. One has become one of my best friends in Sydney.
I’ve only had 1 guy outright lie to me (his pics were at least 15 years old and he was at least 3 inches shorter and 30 kilos (about 70 lbs) heavier!
I have, however had men stretch the truth....literally! My rule of thumb is that if I man is under 6’ tall you should subtract 1 - 3 inches from his height.
So, here are my observations:
Men take the path of least resistance. I got far more ‘kisses’ when I was online than I did when I was off. So I used to leave my profile up all of the time just so guys would see me as online. It wasn’t unusual to come home to 20 ‘kisses’ in my inbox.
A lot of men go fishing. They’ll ‘kiss’ you several times and never send an email. I think that’s rude.
If men only have 1 photo and it’s fuzzy it’s old.
If the men are wearing caps in all of their pics they’re bald (I NEVER thought I’d reach the stage in life where a man who still has all of his hair would be a rarity...but I have).
Men do lie about their height (see above).
Men’s interpretations of what constitute an ‘athletic’ body differ...and some greatly differ from my own interpretation.
Men don’t like ‘long email correspondences’. They prefer to meet straight off. This can be intimidating to a lot of women. So, men please be aware of that and women, stand your ground! This works for me though. I’d rather meet than talk on the phone. After 15 years in recruitment the phone to me spells work.
Men in their 20’s LOVE women in their 40’s. I’d say 1/3 of all ‘kisses’ I received was from young, good looking for the most part, guys. But Demi Moore I’m not. They were all declined.
All of the men I met have been interesting on some level. And, even though I may not have wanted to see them again, the hour I spent with them was not wasted in the vast majority of instances. The ones that I was disappointed by I should not have met and I knew that I shouldn’t have met them before I did. But every once in awhile I’ll convince myself that I’m too harsh and should give more people a chance.
But, if anyone has read Malcolm Gladwell’s ‘Blink’ and knows about thin slicing, I can do that really really quickly with people, having spent 15 years in recruitment and having done a gazillion hours of personal development work. I trust my gut most of the time, and when I don’t I pay for it.
Now some quite funny experiences.
There was the guy I met the guy who was 5’6” instead of the 5’9” he claimed and had 15 year old (and much thinner) pics up. We sat down and started to talk (this was early on...now a days I’d say something like, “I’m sorry, you’re not what I ordered” and walk out). About 15 minutes into our conversation he asked how he was doing and if I’d see him again. I felt sorry for him, but told him no...there would be no second date.
Then there was the man who asked me on our third date (which occurred within 48 hours of our first date) how I’d feel about raising his children. That’s not even why I decided not to date him again, although to this day he thinks it is. Nice guy though and he seems to have found someone so good on him.
My absolute favourite though is the guy who texted me a picture of himself without a shirt on the night BEFORE we were supposed to meet. He was completely flabbergasted when I texted him back and told him I found that creepy and would be canceling our date.
Why so many first dates and not many past that you might be asking? Well, I’m the first to admit that I’m picky. I know what I want and won’t settle, not again. And first and foremost I want a strong, masculine man who brings out the feminine little girl in me. I want someone who can make me think, make me laugh and make my toes curl.
And the guy that went past the third date? While he did all of those, unfortunately he has the emotional maturity of a retarded knat to quote a teacher of mine.
And that finally ended once and for all last night when I did something I’ve never done in my life. I walked out of the restaurant we were eating in...before the main course came.
But this story actually illustrates the main learnings that I’ve gotten over the last few months and is the main reason that I’ve decided to include this part of my life in my blog.
I won’t go through the whole story here, and it is quite a story. But the high points are that this is a very masculine, self assured (cocky) guy who’s a rock star in business. Highly intelligent and great looking! On our first date he had me giggling like a school girl and I loved it! I hadn’t experienced that, well ever. My God it was like a drug! I couldn’t for one moment slip that masculine mask on, even when talking about business. He’d rip it right off of me.
He made me feel like the most special person on the planet when I was with him. Until he didn’t. And when things changed it hurt like hell. He got mean and manipulative. Not overtly. Very covertly. He could sell ice to Eskimos and convince you that the sky is green and grass is blue, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
But I did what most women do. I blamed myself and excused him. He’s troubled (and he is troubled...not the easiest of childhoods). I was somehow insufficient in how I was reacting and he just needed time. He / we had this great potential!!!!
But you know what? Unrealised potential amounts to nothing at all. And my biggest learning was to look at things as how they really are and not as how they could be.
My second biggest learning was what it feels like to be with a strong, masculine man. He set the bar for me and I’ll always be grateful for that. I’m also grateful that he showed me that I was enough (pretty, sexy, etc) to attract someone like that.
So, on with my search! I have a date with someone tomorrow. I’m breaking my first date rule of coffee or a drink only (quick get away) and I’m going sailing. I’m only breaking this rule because an opportunity to go sailing on Sydney Harbour is never to be missed.
I have someone else wanting to meet me (we’re talking tomorrow night for the first time). Not so sure about him.
Then there’s the two men that actually asked me out, without being online! OMG!!! One is a lovely man and I’ll probably go out with him at some point, but he’s not rocking my world. The other is rocking my world and we’ve had only a 5 minute conversation. I suspect he may be a bit of trouble though. But I’ve never been one to choose the easy path.
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Learning to Date at 48: Inner Journey
I’ve debated with myself about whether or not to share my dating exploits in this blog. My original intention was to do so but then I started to have second thoughts for two reasons. First, this is the area of my life that I’ve historically felt the least confident in. Do I really want to air my vulnerabilities in this public forum? Secondly, I wouldn’t be sharing things about just myself, I’d be sharing them about others as well.
But I’ve decided that yes, I will start sharing my experiences (and the names of other parties will be changed and details left intentionally vague). I’m really passionate about helping others and this is such a big area in everyone’s life. And if I can share any learnings from my own journey maybe I can shine the light on the path for others dealing with the same issues and make their journey a bit lighter.
So, a bit of background for those that don’t know me. I was terribly shy in high school and my Freshman year in college (shocking I know to those that know me now) and barely talked to boys / men. I dated one boy from the age of 13 - 15 1/2 and had a bit of a long distance thing as well for a year in our early 20‘s (actually I almost married him). I’ve never fallen out of love with him but am very clear that we could never be together. We’re two different people.
I cured my shyness when I joined the Air National Guard in 1985 and went through basic training. Even so, since then I’ve spent most of my adult life alone with the exception of an 18 month relationship with one man in my early 30’s and a 5 month relationship with another a couple years later.
I “dated” others but nothing serious until I was 37.
I never wanted kids so never had the urge to settle down. But at 37 I decided it was time to start focusing on my social life and take the attention off of my work life.
As an aside, I’m working with a number of clients now in their late 30’s and it’s amazing to me that that seems to be the time that the focus in our lives start to shift. Either from career to personal or from kids to ourselves. But it’s certainly a time of transition.
But I digress. Within 2 months of making this decision I met my ex-husband. He’s a wonderful man and a great companion. But we only had one life goal in common, and that was to move to New Zealand. Once we did that I began to realise that we wanted very very different things out of life. We were also never madly, passionately in love. Either one of use. And I realised that I had compromised on what I really wanted in this area of my life.
So, after and 18 months of talking to him and looking for resolutions I decided to leave. We’ve not had a cross word in the 2 plus years we’ve been apart and have remained very good friends. He’s going on 2 years with another woman and seems quite happy, and I’m happy for him.
And me? I’ve started to date. Really date for the first time in my life.
Now, I’ve had a couple of internal obstacles on my dating journey. First, I believed that men were intimidated by me and second, I believed that men didn’t find me physically attractive. So, you can imagine what life was like with those two limiting beliefs.
I’ve always had this notion that I intimidate men. And it’s always been supported by my girlfriends. That’s what girls tell each other to comfort each other. But, at the risk of blowing my own horn, I’m very smart, successful and driven. Someone told me last night that I do more in a day than he does in a month. That’s not the first time I’ve heard that.
So I believed that men don’t want smart women, successful women because we intimidate their fragile male egos. But I’m realising that that’s not true at all. And I’ve realised this by going out on at least 40 first dates in the last 8 months and talking to smart, successful men.
The truth is that smart men love smart, feminine women. Masculine men love feminine women. Masculine men are repelled by women wearing masculine masks (and many women do to succeed in business). It’s like a magnet. Remember playing with magnets in school? Opposite polarities attract, same polarities repel. A woman in her masculine repels the masculinity in a man. It’s as simple as that. Bio physics at work.
And we get all tied up in knots as women wondering what we’re doing wrong.
Conversely, women wearing masculine masks often attract men wearing feminine ones. And many men do wear feminine masks...again society is training them to do so...look at the whole “metrosexual” movement. And then when she starts to relax into the relationship and into her own femininity she feels unsatisfied (as does he I imagine). The polarities shift and, unless he can move into his masculine, they start to repel each other again. All of this can get very confusing.
So part of my journey has been to reclaim my femininity. Not an easy thing to do, but way fun!
In my case, and I just realised this about a month ago, not only was I putting on masculine masks to succeed in business and wearing them all of the time (hence attracting men wearing feminine masks), I didn’t actually know how to be a feminine woman. You see I was basically raised by my Dad. And while I loved and adored my Dad and I’ll forever be thankful for everything he taught me, he couldn’t teach me to be a woman. He tried though, in his own way. I remember him really encouraging me to enter a beauty contest when I was 13 or 14. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I’d heard at the time. Me? Now I realise that on some level he knew this was the one area that he couldn’t teach me and he was searching for an alternative. God bless Dad!
So about 3 1/2 years ago I really started to explore this area of my life. It’s been frustrating and confusing and a lot of fun! And my journey is not over, but I’ve come a long way!
But I’ve decided that yes, I will start sharing my experiences (and the names of other parties will be changed and details left intentionally vague). I’m really passionate about helping others and this is such a big area in everyone’s life. And if I can share any learnings from my own journey maybe I can shine the light on the path for others dealing with the same issues and make their journey a bit lighter.
So, a bit of background for those that don’t know me. I was terribly shy in high school and my Freshman year in college (shocking I know to those that know me now) and barely talked to boys / men. I dated one boy from the age of 13 - 15 1/2 and had a bit of a long distance thing as well for a year in our early 20‘s (actually I almost married him). I’ve never fallen out of love with him but am very clear that we could never be together. We’re two different people.
I cured my shyness when I joined the Air National Guard in 1985 and went through basic training. Even so, since then I’ve spent most of my adult life alone with the exception of an 18 month relationship with one man in my early 30’s and a 5 month relationship with another a couple years later.
I “dated” others but nothing serious until I was 37.
I never wanted kids so never had the urge to settle down. But at 37 I decided it was time to start focusing on my social life and take the attention off of my work life.
As an aside, I’m working with a number of clients now in their late 30’s and it’s amazing to me that that seems to be the time that the focus in our lives start to shift. Either from career to personal or from kids to ourselves. But it’s certainly a time of transition.
But I digress. Within 2 months of making this decision I met my ex-husband. He’s a wonderful man and a great companion. But we only had one life goal in common, and that was to move to New Zealand. Once we did that I began to realise that we wanted very very different things out of life. We were also never madly, passionately in love. Either one of use. And I realised that I had compromised on what I really wanted in this area of my life.
So, after and 18 months of talking to him and looking for resolutions I decided to leave. We’ve not had a cross word in the 2 plus years we’ve been apart and have remained very good friends. He’s going on 2 years with another woman and seems quite happy, and I’m happy for him.
And me? I’ve started to date. Really date for the first time in my life.
Now, I’ve had a couple of internal obstacles on my dating journey. First, I believed that men were intimidated by me and second, I believed that men didn’t find me physically attractive. So, you can imagine what life was like with those two limiting beliefs.
I’ve always had this notion that I intimidate men. And it’s always been supported by my girlfriends. That’s what girls tell each other to comfort each other. But, at the risk of blowing my own horn, I’m very smart, successful and driven. Someone told me last night that I do more in a day than he does in a month. That’s not the first time I’ve heard that.
So I believed that men don’t want smart women, successful women because we intimidate their fragile male egos. But I’m realising that that’s not true at all. And I’ve realised this by going out on at least 40 first dates in the last 8 months and talking to smart, successful men.
The truth is that smart men love smart, feminine women. Masculine men love feminine women. Masculine men are repelled by women wearing masculine masks (and many women do to succeed in business). It’s like a magnet. Remember playing with magnets in school? Opposite polarities attract, same polarities repel. A woman in her masculine repels the masculinity in a man. It’s as simple as that. Bio physics at work.
And we get all tied up in knots as women wondering what we’re doing wrong.
Conversely, women wearing masculine masks often attract men wearing feminine ones. And many men do wear feminine masks...again society is training them to do so...look at the whole “metrosexual” movement. And then when she starts to relax into the relationship and into her own femininity she feels unsatisfied (as does he I imagine). The polarities shift and, unless he can move into his masculine, they start to repel each other again. All of this can get very confusing.
So part of my journey has been to reclaim my femininity. Not an easy thing to do, but way fun!
In my case, and I just realised this about a month ago, not only was I putting on masculine masks to succeed in business and wearing them all of the time (hence attracting men wearing feminine masks), I didn’t actually know how to be a feminine woman. You see I was basically raised by my Dad. And while I loved and adored my Dad and I’ll forever be thankful for everything he taught me, he couldn’t teach me to be a woman. He tried though, in his own way. I remember him really encouraging me to enter a beauty contest when I was 13 or 14. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I’d heard at the time. Me? Now I realise that on some level he knew this was the one area that he couldn’t teach me and he was searching for an alternative. God bless Dad!
So about 3 1/2 years ago I really started to explore this area of my life. It’s been frustrating and confusing and a lot of fun! And my journey is not over, but I’ve come a long way!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Commitment
It's been awhile since I've posted anything. I've kept waiting for big inspiration. And, while I've been inspired it hasn't been anything big. So, I decided to write shorter bursts and update more regularly.
I want to write about commitment tonight. I've done a lot of work in human psychology and what drives human beings and I've been incredibly lucky to work with some of the most brilliant minds on the planet at this time including Tony Robbins, Steve Linder and Cloe Madanes.
If I were to be lucky enough to discover something of value to add to this field I think my contribution would be around the area of commitment.
Real commitment. The difference between a decision that's just a good idea, one which you can go back or change and justify to yourself (I'll start dieting tomorrow...this cookie just looks too tempting tonight, besides I've had a hard day, I deserve it) and one for which there is no turning back (I'm going to lose those 22 kilos!)
I know in my own life there have been watershed events that really changed the course of my life. Deciding, after 4 years of being out of school to go back to university. Passing the CPA exam on the first try. Losing 22 kilos.
Each one of these events had a profound impact on my life and each one was preceded by a commitment. A commitment from which there was no turning back.
I've made another commitment recently. That is that I'm here in Sydney to stay. It's been a long, hard settling in period. But after my first trip to Vietnam I made the commitment to stay in Sydney and it's made all the difference in the world.
Business started to pick up dramatically, men started showing up, I started meeting some very interesting people. All out of a commitment.
But what is the difference between a commitment and just a good idea? I have my own theories, but would love to hear yours? Do you have stories about how your life has changed as a result of making a true commitment? What happened to lead you to that event? Why was it different than all of the decisions you made previously where you changed your mind and broke your promise to yourself (unless I'm the only one who does that).
If you don't feel comfortable posting your stories here I'd love to have you email me directly at Kim@KimSeelingSmith.com.
Happy committing!
I want to write about commitment tonight. I've done a lot of work in human psychology and what drives human beings and I've been incredibly lucky to work with some of the most brilliant minds on the planet at this time including Tony Robbins, Steve Linder and Cloe Madanes.
If I were to be lucky enough to discover something of value to add to this field I think my contribution would be around the area of commitment.
Real commitment. The difference between a decision that's just a good idea, one which you can go back or change and justify to yourself (I'll start dieting tomorrow...this cookie just looks too tempting tonight, besides I've had a hard day, I deserve it) and one for which there is no turning back (I'm going to lose those 22 kilos!)
I know in my own life there have been watershed events that really changed the course of my life. Deciding, after 4 years of being out of school to go back to university. Passing the CPA exam on the first try. Losing 22 kilos.
Each one of these events had a profound impact on my life and each one was preceded by a commitment. A commitment from which there was no turning back.
I've made another commitment recently. That is that I'm here in Sydney to stay. It's been a long, hard settling in period. But after my first trip to Vietnam I made the commitment to stay in Sydney and it's made all the difference in the world.
Business started to pick up dramatically, men started showing up, I started meeting some very interesting people. All out of a commitment.
But what is the difference between a commitment and just a good idea? I have my own theories, but would love to hear yours? Do you have stories about how your life has changed as a result of making a true commitment? What happened to lead you to that event? Why was it different than all of the decisions you made previously where you changed your mind and broke your promise to yourself (unless I'm the only one who does that).
If you don't feel comfortable posting your stories here I'd love to have you email me directly at Kim@KimSeelingSmith.com.
Happy committing!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
16 September 2009, Down Country: Danang to Saigon
Danang to Saigon. It’s that time of day my friend Dave Holloway calls “super magic happy hour.” Dusk, when the light takes on a surreal quality and nothing is quite in focus. I don’t know if it was that or The Doors’ “Riders on the Storm” streaming from my iPod, but as I walked towards the plane and looked back towards what was one of the busiest airports in the world 40 years ago I could almost see the buzz of activity that was once Danang. The drone of the engines could have been mistaken for choppers taking off and landing. Ex Air Force myself, it didn’t take much for my imagination to run wild and see men decked out in flight suits signaling military planes. I could almost hear the pilots talking to the flight crews.
But no, I’m not hopping a transport down country. Just Vietnamese Airlines flight 327 to Ho Chi Minh City, no longer Saigon. The world has moved on.
I don’t think the Danang airport has though. I don’t think it’s been renovated since that Viet Cong tank broke through the gates of the Presidential Palace in April 1975. Dirty floors, hard plastic chairs, very cheap souvenirs lining every wall. Sparse does not describe it. Austere...does not describe it.
Free Wifi though, gotta love that! The world has, indeed, moved on. Neither of my uncles got to surf the net on their laptop, listening to their iPod while awaiting their flights to Saigon.
But no, I’m not hopping a transport down country. Just Vietnamese Airlines flight 327 to Ho Chi Minh City, no longer Saigon. The world has moved on.
I don’t think the Danang airport has though. I don’t think it’s been renovated since that Viet Cong tank broke through the gates of the Presidential Palace in April 1975. Dirty floors, hard plastic chairs, very cheap souvenirs lining every wall. Sparse does not describe it. Austere...does not describe it.
Free Wifi though, gotta love that! The world has, indeed, moved on. Neither of my uncles got to surf the net on their laptop, listening to their iPod while awaiting their flights to Saigon.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
15 September 2009, A Magical Night on China Beach, Part Deux
Okay, I’ve eaten and am completely sober. Although I still admit to enjoying the cheesy Karaoke act that’s happening on the terrace above me. I’ve moved to the big chaise lounges on the beach. I’m just a few feet from the ocean and have better Wifi than at home. Gotta love Australia. In many ways the most third world country I’ve ever visited.
Today truly does go down in history as one of the most perfect days. Diane...do you remember our perfect day in Napa all those years ago with the best Tomato soup we’ve ever had at the Moet winery? And that hot fudge sundae at the Italian restaurant after “Waiting to Exhale.” Was that the last time we saw each other???? Hard to believe!
I’m blessed to have had many perfect days and nights. The day with Diane, The night at the Palace with Irish Andrew, San Juan with Bones, the Native American sweat lodge with Tom the day were were supposed to get married, Lapham Peak with Mark, getting rained on and listening to the soundtrack of “Saturday Night Fever.” And many more that don’t spring to mind right now. Most were spent with other people. A few alone. This is one of those that was spent alone but is no less special.
Not only the hotel and China Beach.
I was picked up at 9AM by my driver and guide today. We drove 4 hours south through the mountains (spectacular scenery) to the ancient temples of My Son. I didn’t know why but I was just drawn there. I saw it in the guide book and knew I had to go. I’m sure I’ve seen the pictures before. 90% of the ruins were destroyed by the Americans during the war. Otherwise they would be even more incredible than Ankor Wat. But they didn’t mean anything to me relating to the war.
When I got there I understood. They were built by the Cham Pa people in around 700 AD. The Cham people came from India and these are ancient Hindu temples. Much more beautiful than anything I saw in India. But that probably has to do with the setting. It’s set in a valley with high mountains surrounding it. Lush, green, jungle. And birds! Very few birds in Vietnam. They are either killed for food or were killed to help prevent bird flew from spreading. But they are here in this protected area. I could feel the peace and serentity. I love my guide, but would have been grateful to be alone to meditate. I wish it was the early morning and it was just me with my yoga mat. I’m hoping the pics turned out as well as I think they did.
And with that I’m off to bed. It’s close to 10. I’m going to look at today’s pics and fall into a blissful sleep. Tomorrow I will post these myriad of entries that have been building up.
Today truly does go down in history as one of the most perfect days. Diane...do you remember our perfect day in Napa all those years ago with the best Tomato soup we’ve ever had at the Moet winery? And that hot fudge sundae at the Italian restaurant after “Waiting to Exhale.” Was that the last time we saw each other???? Hard to believe!
I’m blessed to have had many perfect days and nights. The day with Diane, The night at the Palace with Irish Andrew, San Juan with Bones, the Native American sweat lodge with Tom the day were were supposed to get married, Lapham Peak with Mark, getting rained on and listening to the soundtrack of “Saturday Night Fever.” And many more that don’t spring to mind right now. Most were spent with other people. A few alone. This is one of those that was spent alone but is no less special.
Not only the hotel and China Beach.
I was picked up at 9AM by my driver and guide today. We drove 4 hours south through the mountains (spectacular scenery) to the ancient temples of My Son. I didn’t know why but I was just drawn there. I saw it in the guide book and knew I had to go. I’m sure I’ve seen the pictures before. 90% of the ruins were destroyed by the Americans during the war. Otherwise they would be even more incredible than Ankor Wat. But they didn’t mean anything to me relating to the war.
When I got there I understood. They were built by the Cham Pa people in around 700 AD. The Cham people came from India and these are ancient Hindu temples. Much more beautiful than anything I saw in India. But that probably has to do with the setting. It’s set in a valley with high mountains surrounding it. Lush, green, jungle. And birds! Very few birds in Vietnam. They are either killed for food or were killed to help prevent bird flew from spreading. But they are here in this protected area. I could feel the peace and serentity. I love my guide, but would have been grateful to be alone to meditate. I wish it was the early morning and it was just me with my yoga mat. I’m hoping the pics turned out as well as I think they did.
And with that I’m off to bed. It’s close to 10. I’m going to look at today’s pics and fall into a blissful sleep. Tomorrow I will post these myriad of entries that have been building up.
15 September, 2009, A Magical Night on China Beach
What a perfect night. Or it would be if I had someone to share it with. What is it about China Beach? It’s not even sunny out. Fairly cloudy and misty. But I was hooked as soon as I saw Hoi An, an ancient city about 30 Kilometers outside of Danang, which is a soul less city. Very industrial. Very austere. But Hoi An has an ancient flavour to it. Even with all of the tourist shops.
The city is built on a river which is, in itself, picturesque. I initially booked at the Indochine, for $32 / night US. But after last night’s experience I decided to upgrade. Only $100 US (off season) and I’m right on one of the most stunning beaches I’ve ever seen. What is it? Is it prettier than Hawaii? Cabo? Fiji? Phuket? Or any of the other wonderful beaches I’ve seen? I don’t know, there is just something about it. There’s an energy here. A calmness. So wonderful.
The resort, the Victoria Beach Resort is a 4 star, not a 5. But lovely! Perfect. Gorgeous open air reception. Beautifully pristine pool and wonderful bar / restaurant just meters away from the ocean. The sand is golden. Fishing boats dot the horizon. Mountains in the distance.
My room is wonderful. Jungle outlook but I can hear the ocean. Wooden floors, huge bathroom with a tub for two (she looks around...no, unfortunately no prospects). Large, airy, comfy bed.
But now I sit by the pool on a perfect perfect night. Nice balmy breeze blowing off of the ocean. I’m in a sleeveless dress and completely comfortable. I am so meant to live in the tropics. Except for the wild jungle hair!
As I type this I look out over the ocean and it’s dotted with lights! Bright lights on the horizon ringing the entire beach. Fishing boats I’m told. Crab and shrimp. Mmmm. I may have to enjoy some of their catch in a bit.
I’m listening to a rather loungy duo. He on a synth and she accompanying her. I’m sure I’d laugh at this music anywhere else. A bit too John Tesh for me. Oh here we go, a Bee Gee’s cover from the 70’s. But somehow it just makes the night even more perfect. Maybe it’s my second Singapore Sling. Who knows. All I know is that I’m blissfully happy sitting here in my sleeveless dress.
Okay, somehow we’ve morphed into “Freebird” (sung with a Vietnamese accent), but wait...somehow it goes incredibly well with “Baby I love your way.” And has me thinking of Mark Murphy. Whom I’ve been thinking about a lot recently for some reason. Must be my impending 30th reunion. BTW, if someone from Oconomowoc is reading this and actually knows where Mark Murphy is I’d love to reconnect with him.
But I digress, we’ve now moved on to the “Pina Colada” song...again sung with a Vietnamese accent. I shouldn’t be enjoying this so much!!!! Help, stop me! I think it’s time to stop drinking and start eating. More later.
The city is built on a river which is, in itself, picturesque. I initially booked at the Indochine, for $32 / night US. But after last night’s experience I decided to upgrade. Only $100 US (off season) and I’m right on one of the most stunning beaches I’ve ever seen. What is it? Is it prettier than Hawaii? Cabo? Fiji? Phuket? Or any of the other wonderful beaches I’ve seen? I don’t know, there is just something about it. There’s an energy here. A calmness. So wonderful.
The resort, the Victoria Beach Resort is a 4 star, not a 5. But lovely! Perfect. Gorgeous open air reception. Beautifully pristine pool and wonderful bar / restaurant just meters away from the ocean. The sand is golden. Fishing boats dot the horizon. Mountains in the distance.
My room is wonderful. Jungle outlook but I can hear the ocean. Wooden floors, huge bathroom with a tub for two (she looks around...no, unfortunately no prospects). Large, airy, comfy bed.
But now I sit by the pool on a perfect perfect night. Nice balmy breeze blowing off of the ocean. I’m in a sleeveless dress and completely comfortable. I am so meant to live in the tropics. Except for the wild jungle hair!
As I type this I look out over the ocean and it’s dotted with lights! Bright lights on the horizon ringing the entire beach. Fishing boats I’m told. Crab and shrimp. Mmmm. I may have to enjoy some of their catch in a bit.
I’m listening to a rather loungy duo. He on a synth and she accompanying her. I’m sure I’d laugh at this music anywhere else. A bit too John Tesh for me. Oh here we go, a Bee Gee’s cover from the 70’s. But somehow it just makes the night even more perfect. Maybe it’s my second Singapore Sling. Who knows. All I know is that I’m blissfully happy sitting here in my sleeveless dress.
Okay, somehow we’ve morphed into “Freebird” (sung with a Vietnamese accent), but wait...somehow it goes incredibly well with “Baby I love your way.” And has me thinking of Mark Murphy. Whom I’ve been thinking about a lot recently for some reason. Must be my impending 30th reunion. BTW, if someone from Oconomowoc is reading this and actually knows where Mark Murphy is I’d love to reconnect with him.
But I digress, we’ve now moved on to the “Pina Colada” song...again sung with a Vietnamese accent. I shouldn’t be enjoying this so much!!!! Help, stop me! I think it’s time to stop drinking and start eating. More later.
15 September 2009, Get me outta here!!!!!
I seem to have two modes. 5 star luxury or camping. I’m just not a middle of the road kinda gal. I don’t mind roughing it. In fact I love it! But the trade off for ants in my bed is a tranquil natural setting, preferably where I awake to the sound of a waterfall. Not the incessant beeping of horns that is Asia. It’s actually quieter here than India, to be fair. And so much cleaner. And you rarely see men peeing against walls or along the side of the road (I did once yesterday on the highway.) But if I’m staying in a hotel I really do need something more luxurious. My bed was as hard as any Indian bed (luckily when I do sleep I can sleep anywhere on anything). The room was clean (no cockroaches thank god) but I did awake to an infestation of ants in both my bed and my computer (I spent an hour trying to exorsise them from my laptop....turns out they’re really not a fan of iTunes.)
Dinner last night looked completely unappetizing so I settled for a plate of noodles (tasted deliciously like the cheap Ramen we all used to eat at university) and vegetables. Breakfast this morning was a real treat! They did scramble me an egg and I had some bok choy which was done to perfection (just crispy enough), although cold when I ate it. Did they have it on ice? This is the tropics! Nothing is cold! The rest of the meal consisted of a surprisingly good crepe (with the most gelatinous substance known to man that tried to pass as strawberry jam) and coffee that more resembled mud. When I asked for milk they brought me a can and poured something into my cup that resembled white Karo Syrup. I declined any more quickly. Enough sugar though and I managed to get it down.
Today is a 4 hour car ride to My Son Ruins and then hopefully an upgrade to a 4 star beach resort on China Beach.
Dinner last night looked completely unappetizing so I settled for a plate of noodles (tasted deliciously like the cheap Ramen we all used to eat at university) and vegetables. Breakfast this morning was a real treat! They did scramble me an egg and I had some bok choy which was done to perfection (just crispy enough), although cold when I ate it. Did they have it on ice? This is the tropics! Nothing is cold! The rest of the meal consisted of a surprisingly good crepe (with the most gelatinous substance known to man that tried to pass as strawberry jam) and coffee that more resembled mud. When I asked for milk they brought me a can and poured something into my cup that resembled white Karo Syrup. I declined any more quickly. Enough sugar though and I managed to get it down.
Today is a 4 hour car ride to My Son Ruins and then hopefully an upgrade to a 4 star beach resort on China Beach.
14 September, 2009, DMZ
Today I went somewhere I never in my life dreamed I’d go. The DMZ, demilitarized Zone. Yes, I used a Z (pronounced Zee not Zed), American spelling. For the DMZ was not a result of the American War, but certainly was at the heart of it. And it’s at the heart of many of my childhood memories as well.
I flew into Hue, an ancient city and once the capital of Vietnam completely enclosed by a citadel. I was met by a car and driver and we soon picked up a guide. Our destination? The DMZ and the Vinh Moc Tunnels. This is one of many, many tunnel systems that dot the Vietnamese countryside. It’s only 1 of 2 systems open the the public however. Vinh Moc is a little community just north of the 17th parallel, the DMZ. The Viet Cong used to come down the Ho Chi Minh Trail to Vinh Moc, go 28 KM’s to an island off of the coast and travel by sea down to S. Vietnam. It was the Ho Chi Minh trail by sea.
Vinh Moc was also the site of some of the worst bombing from the war. The American’s tried, unsuccessfully to cut off this route. The villagers decided that, instead of fleeing their home they would simply take it underground. Over 300 people lived in these tunnels for 6 years. 17 babies were born underground. It took 18 months to dig the tunnels by hand. The go down 23 meters. They were able to do this in secrecy because they are so close to the ocean. They could hide the dirt in the sea.
Vinh Moc was fascinating. The lengths people will go to! What they will endure if they have to.
The whole experience was surreal for me. It was so...well calm. Once almost completely barren from Napalm, the foliage has grown back or has been replanted with rubber or gum. Very few traces of American presence remain, bar a rusted out tank or the occasional jeep sporting “USMC” on its back bumper (have the repainted them or are they really that resilient in this tropical humidity that claims most things, including my hair.
The only marker is a small, unassuming one announcing the “Historical Relic” and something about 5K’s (the DMZ ran 5 K’s to the north and south of the Ben Hai River). They have also preserved the loud speakers where the North would broadcast propaganda across the river to the South.
My guide is extremely knowledgeable! He cited facts and figures all day. He’s too young to remember the war but his grandparents and his uncle fought. His grandfather for the north, his uncle for the south. Like many Vietnamese families, split.
I’m staying in Hue City, at the Gold Hotel. 5 star it is not and no Wifi, despite promises. But it is clean and for $28 US what more can you ask for?
I flew into Hue, an ancient city and once the capital of Vietnam completely enclosed by a citadel. I was met by a car and driver and we soon picked up a guide. Our destination? The DMZ and the Vinh Moc Tunnels. This is one of many, many tunnel systems that dot the Vietnamese countryside. It’s only 1 of 2 systems open the the public however. Vinh Moc is a little community just north of the 17th parallel, the DMZ. The Viet Cong used to come down the Ho Chi Minh Trail to Vinh Moc, go 28 KM’s to an island off of the coast and travel by sea down to S. Vietnam. It was the Ho Chi Minh trail by sea.
Vinh Moc was also the site of some of the worst bombing from the war. The American’s tried, unsuccessfully to cut off this route. The villagers decided that, instead of fleeing their home they would simply take it underground. Over 300 people lived in these tunnels for 6 years. 17 babies were born underground. It took 18 months to dig the tunnels by hand. The go down 23 meters. They were able to do this in secrecy because they are so close to the ocean. They could hide the dirt in the sea.
Vinh Moc was fascinating. The lengths people will go to! What they will endure if they have to.
The whole experience was surreal for me. It was so...well calm. Once almost completely barren from Napalm, the foliage has grown back or has been replanted with rubber or gum. Very few traces of American presence remain, bar a rusted out tank or the occasional jeep sporting “USMC” on its back bumper (have the repainted them or are they really that resilient in this tropical humidity that claims most things, including my hair.
The only marker is a small, unassuming one announcing the “Historical Relic” and something about 5K’s (the DMZ ran 5 K’s to the north and south of the Ben Hai River). They have also preserved the loud speakers where the North would broadcast propaganda across the river to the South.
My guide is extremely knowledgeable! He cited facts and figures all day. He’s too young to remember the war but his grandparents and his uncle fought. His grandfather for the north, his uncle for the south. Like many Vietnamese families, split.
I’m staying in Hue City, at the Gold Hotel. 5 star it is not and no Wifi, despite promises. But it is clean and for $28 US what more can you ask for?
12 - 13 September, 2009, The Old Quarter Hanoi City
Late, lazy Saturday. I slept in because I could. No work, no yoga. I was going to go the the Hanoi Hilton (Hao Lo prison) and to see Ho Chi Minh’s house and museum, but I never made it. I decided to walk the Old Quarter instead. Lovely architecture and really one big bloody market. I bought a beautiful!!!! silk jacket and a nice top. And some bags for gifts. That’s about it. I was good. There is a cyclone north of us so I kept dodging the rain. Met a couple of Aussies who live in Ho Chi Minh City now and (mistakenly as it would turn out) had a carrot and orange juice on the street.
I came back to the room and started to read the book on the hotel. I knew it was chock full of history, but had no idea of just how much. The Metropole was built in 1901. It was to be the grandest of grand hotels in the crown jewel of Indochina, that was Hanoi. It was to rival the Raffles in Singapore, amongst several others in Asia. It has been home to several embassies, has housed countless politicians and movie stars. It has housed literary luminaries, many of whom I’ve heard of but not read (I’m more of a Harry Potter fan, myself). Charlie Chaplin had his honeymoon here and this is where Jane Fonda lived during her two months in Hanoi in the early ’70’s...she apparently met Tom Hayden here as well, whom she later married. Sydney Pollack moved in his whole film crew during “The Quite American.” Basically anyone who is anyone who’s ever been to Hanoi has either stayed or eaten at the Metropole.
Today during lunch you will see no less than 5 ambassadors from 5 different countries. This is where they come to socialise.
During the ’60’s they built a bomb shelter in the courtyard. The guests would go to the bomb shelter while the employees would patrol the perimeter with rifles. Some of the staff who were trained with the rifles still work at the hotel. The bomb shelter is so well built they could not demolish it after the war and, as a result cannot expand the pool.
After a couple of drinks at the bar by the pool (on top of said bomb shelter) I had a wonderful seafood buffet at Spices Garden, the Vietnamese restaurant in the hotel. Wonderful until about 3AM when I woke up and vomited it all back up. Several more trips to the bathroom later I quickly realised I had a bad case of food poisoning. I know the signs. Same thing happened to me after a few days in India. Chills, fever, can’t keep my eyes open. Needless to say, instead of sight seeing I spent the day in bed. I certainly caught up on my sleep.
11 September 2009: “Our Countries Have Known Each Other for a Very Long Time”
Perspective. These last two days were definitely a lesson in perspective for me.
“Our Countries Have Known Each Other for a Very Long Time.” That’s the response I got when I asked one of my participants if American guests were nice to them. I’m always a bit worried about Americans overseas. I myself go overboard not to be an example of “The Ugly American”. Even though I’ve lived abroad for over 7 years and travel on a Kiwi passport I can’t hide my accent. That is and always will be quintessentially American.
But I was especially concerned after spending two days with this lovely group of people. They touched my heart and it was important to me that they were treated nicely. I’m happy to say that they universally agreed that Americans, who comprise about 25% of their guests, were typically the nicest, the most congenial.
And the explanation? “Our Countries Have Known Each Other for a Very Long Time.” Indeed we have. Americans introduced ourselves to the Vietnamese by bombing the hell out of them and then we made ourselves at home by trying to deforest the entire country with Agent Orange.
But the war that left such an indelible mark on so many Americans was simply a blip in history for these people. After 1,000 years of Chinese rule and almost 100 years of French, I get the feeling here that our little war was but a minor nuisance. After all, they dispatched of us quite handily after less than 20 years.
A word about the work that I did over the last couple of days. I’ve done a lot of training and have worked with a lot of sales teams but I can’t say that I’ve ever worked with a group who was so keen, so enthusiastic. So eager to learn. And Andrew, their Director of Sales, assured me that they would implement what they were learning.
We shared a wonderful two days together. And they constantly surprised me. We have one exercise where they were to build a bridge out of sticky (celo / scotch) tape and pasta. Most western groups will do one of two things. Either they will spend most of their 15 minutes discussing how to do it and getting a consensus before even starting. Or they will splinter into several groups, each working on their own thing with little communication between the two. Neither normally results in a functioning bridge that can hold any amount of weight. But not this group. All three small groups got right to work. They all had different approaches (and taught me a bit about traditional Vietnamese bridge building) but all three finished on time with perfectly functioning bridges. I had to come up with something else to actually prove the point of the exercise!
Then there was the nail exercise. You have to balance 17, 6” nails on top of 1 nail which is pounded into a box. The solution is to build a thatched roof type of affair, but rarely do people get it. I certainly didn’t when I tried. But these guys? One group got it after just a few minutes. The other two also got it in the alloted time...but the amazing thing was that the other two groups didn’t even look over at the first group to see how they’d done it. Again, they just immediately went to work to figure it out.
What I learned about the Vietnamese people from this is their incredible ingenuity and their ability to work as a group! Also, their no nonsense approach. They just got down to it and didn’t faf around. In fact, that was the entire training. They were always in their seats early, ready to start. They paid attention during the entire two days. And the one participant that I thought was texting? He was using a dictionary to translate words that the group did not understand.
The other funny bit was that we have them introduce themselves and talk about someone they admire at the very start of the training. Several people mentioned their uncle. Well I thought they were talking about their uncle. Then I realised it was the same uncle. They described this Uncle as the founder of Vietnam. It wasn’t until morning tea that I realised that “Uncle Ho” was Ho Chi Minh. A man I’d been taught to hate and fear as a child. How weird was this? I had to completely readjust my thinking and by the end of the two days I was invoking him as an example. It fit completely actually because what we talked about was change. And how perfect...after all Uncle Ho dedicated his life to change.
All in all it was a very special experience and they touched my heart. At the end they gave me a book on the history of the hotel, signed by them all, and a gorgeous silk shawl. I can’t wait to go back next month!
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Gooood Morning Vietnam!!!!
If Vietnam had a soundtrack I always thought it would be something like the Rolling Stones or the Doors. Psychedelic. Hard and powerful. And it would be coming from a radio that was slightly out of tune with the constant buzz of static detectible just under the song lyrics. It certainly would not be Nat King Cole belting love songs flawlessly from an iPod shuffle.
I never in my life dreamed that I’d go to Vietnam. I didn’t actually realise that anyone could until about 6 years ago when a client of mine went there on a holiday. Wow! Was it really possible? And for a holiday! She was a Kiwi. Surely not an American...
The concept was just too foreign to me. The Vietnam in my imagination was stuck back in the late ’60’s and early ’70’s and fueled by countless movies and television shows I’ve seen. It was the Vietnam of my Uncles. Uncle Jim who was here with the CIA during the early ’60’s. The build up. Uncle Dale, a Navy man, was here during the late ’60’s. Tet.
That Vietnam was, in fact two Vietnams and a rather unpopular war was raging to keep them from becoming one. Or at least to keep the North from taking over the South. But the North did eventually take over the South one day in April, 1975.
And the Vietnam that I was now looking at from the back seat of a chauffeur driven Mercedes is a unified Communist country...with a healthy (or relatively so in this GFC) capitalistic economy. And Nat King Cole was singing love songs from the iPod shuffle.
My mind raced back to my child hood. To all of those memories that made indelible impressions on me. Walter Cronkite was our constant dinner companion. Telling us how many more US soldiers had lost their lives that day. I don’t know if these memories of childhood dinners are real or recreated with the help of “Platoon” or “Apocalypse Now”. But it doesn’t matter. They’re now part of my neuro synapses. Men with guns, women in conical hats with babies in their arms, trees burning, Agent Orange.
My Dad, the history major, wanted to make sure that I understood. He’s spend hours around the dinner table talking to me about the history of the region and why the US thought it was necessary to protect the south. To keep that domino from falling. It was the ’60’s version of “Weapons of mass destruction.”
My father, a staunch Republican until Clinton’s ’92 election, was becoming disenchanted with war and starting to side with the protestors. Is it a coincidence that I came to Vietnam myself on my father’s birthday? Poignant.
I turned 7 during the “Summer of Love” but remember yearning to be part of the demonstrations. This was big. This was important. I needed to stand up for this.
When those four students fell at Kent State I longed to be there. To mourn, to participate, to help bring an end to the war in that distant, foreign place called Vietnam. I was 8. The irony that I later joined the Ohio (Air) National Guard to pay my way through university was not lost on me.
And now here I am. I’ve come on business. I’ve been hired to do training to help upgrade the sales process for the Sofitel Hotel corporation. The Hanoi Metropole is my first location. A beautiful colonial style building built in 1901.
My Vietnam so far consists of impeccable service, an incredibly comfortable bed, delicious food and a flat screen TV.
I’m here for a few more days and then I plan to see the other Vietnam. The remnants of the one from my childhood memories. What do I hope to accomplish? I’m not sure. Maybe in some infinitesimal way I can bring a bit more peace to this country that’s been ravaged for centuries by war. “The American War” (hard for me to get used calling it that...but then again they certainly wouldn’t refer to it as The Vietnam War now would they?) being only one of many struggles these people have faced.
Maybe I can just bring a bit more peace to my own memories. I’m expecting it to be a bit emotional but very interesting.
I wonder if either of my uncles got a hand rolled chocolate on their freshly turned down bed when they were here? I seriously doubt it.
I never in my life dreamed that I’d go to Vietnam. I didn’t actually realise that anyone could until about 6 years ago when a client of mine went there on a holiday. Wow! Was it really possible? And for a holiday! She was a Kiwi. Surely not an American...
The concept was just too foreign to me. The Vietnam in my imagination was stuck back in the late ’60’s and early ’70’s and fueled by countless movies and television shows I’ve seen. It was the Vietnam of my Uncles. Uncle Jim who was here with the CIA during the early ’60’s. The build up. Uncle Dale, a Navy man, was here during the late ’60’s. Tet.
That Vietnam was, in fact two Vietnams and a rather unpopular war was raging to keep them from becoming one. Or at least to keep the North from taking over the South. But the North did eventually take over the South one day in April, 1975.
And the Vietnam that I was now looking at from the back seat of a chauffeur driven Mercedes is a unified Communist country...with a healthy (or relatively so in this GFC) capitalistic economy. And Nat King Cole was singing love songs from the iPod shuffle.
My mind raced back to my child hood. To all of those memories that made indelible impressions on me. Walter Cronkite was our constant dinner companion. Telling us how many more US soldiers had lost their lives that day. I don’t know if these memories of childhood dinners are real or recreated with the help of “Platoon” or “Apocalypse Now”. But it doesn’t matter. They’re now part of my neuro synapses. Men with guns, women in conical hats with babies in their arms, trees burning, Agent Orange.
My Dad, the history major, wanted to make sure that I understood. He’s spend hours around the dinner table talking to me about the history of the region and why the US thought it was necessary to protect the south. To keep that domino from falling. It was the ’60’s version of “Weapons of mass destruction.”
My father, a staunch Republican until Clinton’s ’92 election, was becoming disenchanted with war and starting to side with the protestors. Is it a coincidence that I came to Vietnam myself on my father’s birthday? Poignant.
I turned 7 during the “Summer of Love” but remember yearning to be part of the demonstrations. This was big. This was important. I needed to stand up for this.
When those four students fell at Kent State I longed to be there. To mourn, to participate, to help bring an end to the war in that distant, foreign place called Vietnam. I was 8. The irony that I later joined the Ohio (Air) National Guard to pay my way through university was not lost on me.
And now here I am. I’ve come on business. I’ve been hired to do training to help upgrade the sales process for the Sofitel Hotel corporation. The Hanoi Metropole is my first location. A beautiful colonial style building built in 1901.
My Vietnam so far consists of impeccable service, an incredibly comfortable bed, delicious food and a flat screen TV.
I’m here for a few more days and then I plan to see the other Vietnam. The remnants of the one from my childhood memories. What do I hope to accomplish? I’m not sure. Maybe in some infinitesimal way I can bring a bit more peace to this country that’s been ravaged for centuries by war. “The American War” (hard for me to get used calling it that...but then again they certainly wouldn’t refer to it as The Vietnam War now would they?) being only one of many struggles these people have faced.
Maybe I can just bring a bit more peace to my own memories. I’m expecting it to be a bit emotional but very interesting.
I wonder if either of my uncles got a hand rolled chocolate on their freshly turned down bed when they were here? I seriously doubt it.
Friday, August 14, 2009
An Extraordinary Life
My dear friend Diane wrote me a question about my latest blog post. She asked me why I wanted to have an extraordinary life?
I guess the answer to that is multi-faceted. The first thing that comes to mind is, "I'm not really sure...I've always wanted an extraordinary life." I've always felt like I was put on the Earth to do big things and have pushed myself to learn and grow and develop myself as much as I could so that I can do big things.
But digging deeper I realise that I feel very much like my friend Sally. Sally is 23 and has just graduated from University. She, by her own accounts, has lived a very sheltered life. Then last year she went to Burma. Now, Sally has seen third world countries before and the experience has never affected her like Burma. Maybe it was her age; she was now mature enough to look outside herself, maybe it was the fact that she's part Burmese and still has relatives there. But all of a sudden she was looking at the world with new eyes. And she saw how other people lived. A lot of other people, all over the planet. All of a sudden she became acutely aware of how much needs to be done on this Earth. And since she returned from Burma she's been on a one woman mission to solve the world's problems. All of them. Tomorrow. (Ah to be young again!) :)
But seriously, Sally is remarkable and someone I admire greatly.
I practiced some of my new NLP skills on Sally last night to help her with some goals she wants to achieve around health and fitness. When I asked her why she wants to achieve them she said (and I'm paraphrasing here), because she wants the energy to do all of the things she needs to do to save the world. I asked her why that was important and she said that she believed you were given this life as a gift and that if you didn't use it to help others you were just taking up space (again my paraphrasing).
I realised that I feel exactly the same way.
However, having a good 25 years and several hundred, if not thousand hours of personal development work under my belt, I would go on to say that it's my personal belief that everyone actually feels the way Sally does. Everyone wants to help others. Everyone wants to make a difference.
But not everyone knows that they have the tools to do so. Many of us get stuck using tools and strategies that don't serve us because of some decisions we've made (sometimes about ourselves, sometimes others) about what's happened to us in the past.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone wants to or should be on a one wo(man) mission to save the world... Some people have big goals, some small. But I do think that everyone, deep down in their heart, wants to make a difference.
So why do I want to live an extraordinary life? Because I believe I can a difference. But I'm not on a one woman mission to save the world. I'm on a multiple person mission. I believe that I have some tools that can help unlock latent potential in others. I believe that I can help people adopt more resourceful strategies that will serve them and help them serve others. I believe that my purpose on this planet, during this lifetime, is to play a small part in activating a critical mass of people that are living their dreams and caring about what happens in this world. This critical mass of people will then change the course that we are currently on and will preserve our planet for generations to come. But in order to help people live up to their own potential I have to live up to mine, every day. I believe I can be an example of what's possible.
I think each of us have the responsibility to do the best with what we have. I've been blessed. I've been given a lot. As such, much should be asked from me and I'm trying to give it. Every day in every way.
And if I can do that it will be a life well lived.
So thank you Diane, my great friend, for asking me that question. And as we both know, that is your gift. The gift of asking great questions and getting people to think deeply about them.
I guess the answer to that is multi-faceted. The first thing that comes to mind is, "I'm not really sure...I've always wanted an extraordinary life." I've always felt like I was put on the Earth to do big things and have pushed myself to learn and grow and develop myself as much as I could so that I can do big things.
But digging deeper I realise that I feel very much like my friend Sally. Sally is 23 and has just graduated from University. She, by her own accounts, has lived a very sheltered life. Then last year she went to Burma. Now, Sally has seen third world countries before and the experience has never affected her like Burma. Maybe it was her age; she was now mature enough to look outside herself, maybe it was the fact that she's part Burmese and still has relatives there. But all of a sudden she was looking at the world with new eyes. And she saw how other people lived. A lot of other people, all over the planet. All of a sudden she became acutely aware of how much needs to be done on this Earth. And since she returned from Burma she's been on a one woman mission to solve the world's problems. All of them. Tomorrow. (Ah to be young again!) :)
But seriously, Sally is remarkable and someone I admire greatly.
I practiced some of my new NLP skills on Sally last night to help her with some goals she wants to achieve around health and fitness. When I asked her why she wants to achieve them she said (and I'm paraphrasing here), because she wants the energy to do all of the things she needs to do to save the world. I asked her why that was important and she said that she believed you were given this life as a gift and that if you didn't use it to help others you were just taking up space (again my paraphrasing).
I realised that I feel exactly the same way.
However, having a good 25 years and several hundred, if not thousand hours of personal development work under my belt, I would go on to say that it's my personal belief that everyone actually feels the way Sally does. Everyone wants to help others. Everyone wants to make a difference.
But not everyone knows that they have the tools to do so. Many of us get stuck using tools and strategies that don't serve us because of some decisions we've made (sometimes about ourselves, sometimes others) about what's happened to us in the past.
Now, I'm not saying that everyone wants to or should be on a one wo(man) mission to save the world... Some people have big goals, some small. But I do think that everyone, deep down in their heart, wants to make a difference.
So why do I want to live an extraordinary life? Because I believe I can a difference. But I'm not on a one woman mission to save the world. I'm on a multiple person mission. I believe that I have some tools that can help unlock latent potential in others. I believe that I can help people adopt more resourceful strategies that will serve them and help them serve others. I believe that my purpose on this planet, during this lifetime, is to play a small part in activating a critical mass of people that are living their dreams and caring about what happens in this world. This critical mass of people will then change the course that we are currently on and will preserve our planet for generations to come. But in order to help people live up to their own potential I have to live up to mine, every day. I believe I can be an example of what's possible.
I think each of us have the responsibility to do the best with what we have. I've been blessed. I've been given a lot. As such, much should be asked from me and I'm trying to give it. Every day in every way.
And if I can do that it will be a life well lived.
So thank you Diane, my great friend, for asking me that question. And as we both know, that is your gift. The gift of asking great questions and getting people to think deeply about them.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Extraordinary Decisions vs Ordinary Decisions
Wow, it's been 10 days since I've posted. I want to post at least twice a week but I have let life and work get in the way. Both have been great. Really busy. I've got some new opportunities work wise which should generate a lot of new clients and revenue which I'm really excited about. More about that when they start popping.
Last week I was feeling a bit out of sorts. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I had spent so much time in courses over the last month that I had not been able to push my business forward like I'd wanted to. Although with a bit more clarity I've since realised that I was doing exactly what I needed to...acquiring more skills to use in my coaching and a wonderful methodology through the Thought Leaders' Million Dollar Expert Immersion program. That one really helped me get clear on my message and gave me a system to organise everything. I highly recommend it to anyone in Australia that can take advantage of it that wants to develop a career training, speaking, writing and coaching (not necessarily in that order).
But last week I was not feeling this way. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and disappointed in myself for not doing more in my business. I was also feeling angry at myself for not having as consistent of a yoga practice during all of these courses as I am committed to having.
Then, Thursday night as I was getting ready for my session with my coach from the States, Patty I started to ask myself some hard questions. The kinds of questions that I ask my clients. The kinds of questions that makes you really take a good hard look at yourself.
I asked myself why I let myself down so much in so many areas of my life. I wasn't eating consistently like I really want to eat. I wasn't practicing as much as I want to practice. I wasn't working on my business as much as I know I should.
And then the light bulb went on. I realised that I only really needed to ask myself one question. That question changed my life and my approach to it. That question is this..."Is this an extraordinary decision or an ordinary one." That's it!
Let me explain. You see, I am committed to helping people realise their true potential in life and then helping them with some tools so that they can live up to that potential. I'm committed to helping people have extraordinary results in their life. Yet, I realised that I wasn't living up to my own potential or getting the extraordinary results that I wanted and deserve.
I realised that I settle for the ordinary...a lot.
So I decided to ask myself a question every time I make a decision. "Is this an extraordinary decision or an ordinary one?" And these decisions range from what to have for snack...(starchy, processed food or a healthy juice blended up in my Vita Mix), to how to spend my time (should I really meditate or am I too tired?)
Now I'm not claiming that I'll make extraordinary decisions every time. But what I've noticed is that I am making them (after now 4 days of practice) much more than I was before. I'm also noticing that they are easy and that the mere act of asking myself that question gives me choice and serves as a constant reminder of what I'm committed to.
It's been a great tool for me and I'd encourage anyone who's up to extraordinary things to ask themselves the same question or a similary one.
What decisions have you made today that were extraordinary? :)
Last week I was feeling a bit out of sorts. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I had spent so much time in courses over the last month that I had not been able to push my business forward like I'd wanted to. Although with a bit more clarity I've since realised that I was doing exactly what I needed to...acquiring more skills to use in my coaching and a wonderful methodology through the Thought Leaders' Million Dollar Expert Immersion program. That one really helped me get clear on my message and gave me a system to organise everything. I highly recommend it to anyone in Australia that can take advantage of it that wants to develop a career training, speaking, writing and coaching (not necessarily in that order).
But last week I was not feeling this way. I was feeling a bit overwhelmed and disappointed in myself for not doing more in my business. I was also feeling angry at myself for not having as consistent of a yoga practice during all of these courses as I am committed to having.
Then, Thursday night as I was getting ready for my session with my coach from the States, Patty I started to ask myself some hard questions. The kinds of questions that I ask my clients. The kinds of questions that makes you really take a good hard look at yourself.
I asked myself why I let myself down so much in so many areas of my life. I wasn't eating consistently like I really want to eat. I wasn't practicing as much as I want to practice. I wasn't working on my business as much as I know I should.
And then the light bulb went on. I realised that I only really needed to ask myself one question. That question changed my life and my approach to it. That question is this..."Is this an extraordinary decision or an ordinary one." That's it!
Let me explain. You see, I am committed to helping people realise their true potential in life and then helping them with some tools so that they can live up to that potential. I'm committed to helping people have extraordinary results in their life. Yet, I realised that I wasn't living up to my own potential or getting the extraordinary results that I wanted and deserve.
I realised that I settle for the ordinary...a lot.
So I decided to ask myself a question every time I make a decision. "Is this an extraordinary decision or an ordinary one?" And these decisions range from what to have for snack...(starchy, processed food or a healthy juice blended up in my Vita Mix), to how to spend my time (should I really meditate or am I too tired?)
Now I'm not claiming that I'll make extraordinary decisions every time. But what I've noticed is that I am making them (after now 4 days of practice) much more than I was before. I'm also noticing that they are easy and that the mere act of asking myself that question gives me choice and serves as a constant reminder of what I'm committed to.
It's been a great tool for me and I'd encourage anyone who's up to extraordinary things to ask themselves the same question or a similary one.
What decisions have you made today that were extraordinary? :)
Saturday, August 1, 2009
On not being the smartest chick in the room.
My niece, Kristen, who is extremely intelligent (along with my other two nieces, Heather and Robyn) commented at the beginning of her Freshman year at Ohio State (my and both of her parents' Alma Mater) that she was adjusting to not being the smartest girl in the class. She is, after all in Honours Engineering at one of the top schools in the US.
I reflected on that statement at the time and wondered what that felt like. Now, I don't claim the intelligence level of my nieces (although I am a pretty smart chick). But where I've been the smartest chick in the room was in my profession. After about 12 years in recruitment I'd reached the pinnacle of success in so many ways. Others made more money than I did, to be sure. But I was working 4 days / week and doing rather well. I was clearly at the top of my game and the "go to" person in accounting and finance recruitment in Auckland.
I spent the next 2 years really just going through the motions. I would interview a candidate and know within 5 minutes (and that's being generous) whether I could place them, where I could place them and if it was the right decision for their career. Then I had to spend 30 - 45 minutes with them going through the motions of an interview so that THEY felt like that had value.
I would sit in client visits and know in 5 minutes whether I could help this company. I knew what they needed (many times when they did not), I knew if they really had the authority to make the decisions and whether they would make them quickly or be a pain in the backside. Then I had to sit through the next 45 minutes with them establishing a relationship and making sure that they felt like they had received value from me.
Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing in terms of furthering relationships from both a candidate or client's perspective. But once you attain a certain level of mastery in something it just feels sometimes like you are going through the motions.
For the last several years that I was in recruitment I longed to learn from others who were better than I was. I longed to be challenged, to try something new and a bit daring or edgy. But it just didn't happen.
Then I moved to Sydney, gave up my recruitment career, started my new business and began to hang out with some really cool people including but not limited to the Thought Leaders Community, and the SRI Community. Not to mention my friends that I began developing through Tony Robbins (the grad community is much more active in Sydney than in Auckland).
I just completed Thought Leaders Million Dollar Expert's Immersion Program (yes, ANOTHER course!) yesterday. This was two days of intense thought around my business, my message, my mode of delivery and my market. Very cool stuff. I have a lot of work to do, which is really really exciting.
I was blown away by the caliber of talent in the room, quite honestly. Not only was I not the smartest chick in the room, I wasn't even in the top 50%!
And what a wonderful feeling that is.
My main message, I've discovered, is to help people re-invent themselves. Isn't that perfect? I've had 4 distinct careers, been married, amicably divorced and am now dating again, and lost 22 kgs / 50 lbs 5 years ago. I've re-invented myself several time over!
I think that challenging yourself and putting yourself in the position where you're not the smartest person in the room is not only a great way to re-invent yourself, but is also a fantastic way to keep from having to. If you're constantly learning, evolving and growing you can avoid most pitfalls that will necessitate a major change in your life.
Hmmmm, something to think about.
I reflected on that statement at the time and wondered what that felt like. Now, I don't claim the intelligence level of my nieces (although I am a pretty smart chick). But where I've been the smartest chick in the room was in my profession. After about 12 years in recruitment I'd reached the pinnacle of success in so many ways. Others made more money than I did, to be sure. But I was working 4 days / week and doing rather well. I was clearly at the top of my game and the "go to" person in accounting and finance recruitment in Auckland.
I spent the next 2 years really just going through the motions. I would interview a candidate and know within 5 minutes (and that's being generous) whether I could place them, where I could place them and if it was the right decision for their career. Then I had to spend 30 - 45 minutes with them going through the motions of an interview so that THEY felt like that had value.
I would sit in client visits and know in 5 minutes whether I could help this company. I knew what they needed (many times when they did not), I knew if they really had the authority to make the decisions and whether they would make them quickly or be a pain in the backside. Then I had to sit through the next 45 minutes with them establishing a relationship and making sure that they felt like they had received value from me.
Now, that's not necessarily a bad thing in terms of furthering relationships from both a candidate or client's perspective. But once you attain a certain level of mastery in something it just feels sometimes like you are going through the motions.
For the last several years that I was in recruitment I longed to learn from others who were better than I was. I longed to be challenged, to try something new and a bit daring or edgy. But it just didn't happen.
Then I moved to Sydney, gave up my recruitment career, started my new business and began to hang out with some really cool people including but not limited to the Thought Leaders Community, and the SRI Community. Not to mention my friends that I began developing through Tony Robbins (the grad community is much more active in Sydney than in Auckland).
I just completed Thought Leaders Million Dollar Expert's Immersion Program (yes, ANOTHER course!) yesterday. This was two days of intense thought around my business, my message, my mode of delivery and my market. Very cool stuff. I have a lot of work to do, which is really really exciting.
I was blown away by the caliber of talent in the room, quite honestly. Not only was I not the smartest chick in the room, I wasn't even in the top 50%!
And what a wonderful feeling that is.
My main message, I've discovered, is to help people re-invent themselves. Isn't that perfect? I've had 4 distinct careers, been married, amicably divorced and am now dating again, and lost 22 kgs / 50 lbs 5 years ago. I've re-invented myself several time over!
I think that challenging yourself and putting yourself in the position where you're not the smartest person in the room is not only a great way to re-invent yourself, but is also a fantastic way to keep from having to. If you're constantly learning, evolving and growing you can avoid most pitfalls that will necessitate a major change in your life.
Hmmmm, something to think about.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Neuro Strategies - Wow!
I'm sitting at home and really enjoying being here. I haven't spent too much time in my house recently and I really love it. It's quiet and warm and comfy. I have the candles lit and the music on. Life is good!!!
I spent all of last week (Sunday - Saturday) in Steve Linder's Neuro Strategies course. Most of you reading this will know that I've done a lot of Tony Robbins work. I really see Steve as someone who is standing on Tony's shoulders; adding Tony's work to others' (including traditional NLP) and using his brilliant mind to combine it into distinctions which are uniquely his own. Plus, he has a way of "chunking things down" to make them elegantly simple and very accessible.
What did I gain? I feel like the cobwebs are cleared from my mind. My ability to recall things from both short and long term memory has been enhanced. I'm remembering things from my past in vivid detail all of a sudden. Including the weave of people's clothing. It's amazing.
More importantly though I gained a lot of strategies to retrain my own mind, to put more empowering meanings on events from my past and to keep myself at cause in my life instead of at effect.
Most importantly I gained the ability to use these tools to help others make a real difference in their lives. I am confident that I can help anyone at anytime overcome challenges. I can help them create an empowering future for themselves and teach them some tools to live into that empowering future. I can also help people get out of debt, gain better health and wow their friends at cocktail parties by lifting people out of their chairs with just two fingers. :)
And, I gained three certifications that I can now put on my profile: NLP, Time Line Therapy and Hypnotherapy. Cool stuff.
And I've already been using some of these distinctions. I met with a couple of men I'll be working with to deliver sales training and offered up Steve's "buying strategies" model. They loved it and will incorporate it into a sales round table that we are participating in tomorrow.
I also introduced some of the concepts to the RCSA (the recruitment industry's trade organisation in ANZ) when talking to them about delivering a series of webinars.
I know these tools and strategies will make a huge difference in my life and others and really can't wait to start sharing them.
To that end...if you are in Sydney...I will be holding a training day to go over some of these distinctions on the 8th of August. Location TBD. 10 AM - 5PM. Let me know if you are interested and I'll tailor the content to the majority of the group.
Unfortunately the late hours have played havoc with my yoga practice. But I have gotten back into it slowly over the last couple of days with just standing poses. Tomorrow will be a full self practice before the round table.
Scooty and I have been having a lot of fun. We've been buzzing all over town...including an impromptu, white knuckle trip over the Harbour Bridge (very windy) at 9:00 last night. I think I was driving about 40K's. Luckily there was very little traffic.
Busy week this week again. Lots of potential opportunities...more on that later!
I spent all of last week (Sunday - Saturday) in Steve Linder's Neuro Strategies course. Most of you reading this will know that I've done a lot of Tony Robbins work. I really see Steve as someone who is standing on Tony's shoulders; adding Tony's work to others' (including traditional NLP) and using his brilliant mind to combine it into distinctions which are uniquely his own. Plus, he has a way of "chunking things down" to make them elegantly simple and very accessible.
What did I gain? I feel like the cobwebs are cleared from my mind. My ability to recall things from both short and long term memory has been enhanced. I'm remembering things from my past in vivid detail all of a sudden. Including the weave of people's clothing. It's amazing.
More importantly though I gained a lot of strategies to retrain my own mind, to put more empowering meanings on events from my past and to keep myself at cause in my life instead of at effect.
Most importantly I gained the ability to use these tools to help others make a real difference in their lives. I am confident that I can help anyone at anytime overcome challenges. I can help them create an empowering future for themselves and teach them some tools to live into that empowering future. I can also help people get out of debt, gain better health and wow their friends at cocktail parties by lifting people out of their chairs with just two fingers. :)
And, I gained three certifications that I can now put on my profile: NLP, Time Line Therapy and Hypnotherapy. Cool stuff.
And I've already been using some of these distinctions. I met with a couple of men I'll be working with to deliver sales training and offered up Steve's "buying strategies" model. They loved it and will incorporate it into a sales round table that we are participating in tomorrow.
I also introduced some of the concepts to the RCSA (the recruitment industry's trade organisation in ANZ) when talking to them about delivering a series of webinars.
I know these tools and strategies will make a huge difference in my life and others and really can't wait to start sharing them.
To that end...if you are in Sydney...I will be holding a training day to go over some of these distinctions on the 8th of August. Location TBD. 10 AM - 5PM. Let me know if you are interested and I'll tailor the content to the majority of the group.
Unfortunately the late hours have played havoc with my yoga practice. But I have gotten back into it slowly over the last couple of days with just standing poses. Tomorrow will be a full self practice before the round table.
Scooty and I have been having a lot of fun. We've been buzzing all over town...including an impromptu, white knuckle trip over the Harbour Bridge (very windy) at 9:00 last night. I think I was driving about 40K's. Luckily there was very little traffic.
Busy week this week again. Lots of potential opportunities...more on that later!
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Haven't forgotten about the blog
Have just been busy with a full on course on Neuro Strategies. I'll update tomorrow or Tuesday latest, I promise!
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Yogic Life
The reason that my blog is called "A Yogic Life in the Modern World" is because that seems to best describe how I am currently living my life. I am caught up in the day to day life of modern, western civilisation...but trying to stay true or at least as true as I can to the philosophies and practices that I'm learning through yoga.
A quick note. When I talk about yoga I talk about it in the macro sense...all of Pattanjali's 8 limbs if you will (google it for those of you who don't know what I mean). Not just the physical practice or asanas. But the yamas and niyamas (moral codes) and the spiritual practices as well.
That's what I love about Ashtanga...which means "8 limbs." The asana practice incorporates it all.
I began an Ashtanga yoga practice in 2000 and practiced regularly for a year before moving to NZ. I had a very sporadic practice for 4 years and finally went back in September 2006 to the Auckland Yoga Academy run by my dear friends Jude Hynes and Peter Nilsson after having lost 50 lbs / 22 kgs. I developed a 4 - 5 day / week practice and it truly became part of my life. I also started to study yogic philosophies with Peter and Jude and developed a wonderful friendship.
Now, Ashtanga is an absolute miracle for me. It's the most dynamic of yoga practices and builds incredible stamina and strength in addition to flexibility. It's an hour and a half to two hours of constant movement and very challenging poses. There are something like 47 push ups spread throughout the practice as well (it took me a year of constant practice to even do one of them!)
I've never been particularly strong. In fact, growing up my parents used to call me Cupcake Muscles! So, for me to have a regular Ashtanga practice is a miracle. For me to be able to do the entire primary series in completely unexpected. But here I am.
If you are a dedicated Ashtangi you go to Mysore, India: the source for Ashtanga where the founder of the practice Sri K. Pattabhi Jois (Guruji) lived for most of his 93 years and died just this past May. I did go to Mysore and spent 4 months there from July - October of last year. I wrote my first blog about those experiences, "Eat, Pray, Love: the Kim Smith Version." This was a life changing experience for me on so many levels.
Not only did my yoga practice deepen imeasurably, but I also had the privilege to study philosophy and TM Meditation with another true guru and true yogi, Narasimhan. Then there was India herself. What an amazing place with stunning people. My friend Amna Ali Kamal says it best in her song, "White Cow", "Take me back to India, she's got me through the souls of my feet."
India gets into your DNA. Once you've been part of you never leaves. I get homesick for India just like I get homesick for the States or New Zealand...yet somehow even more profoundly. The only way to explain it is that I feel its the true home of my soul.
One of the best things about Sydney though is my teacher here, Eileen Hall of Yoga Moves. Eileen was one of Guruji's first western students and is an amazing teacher. My practice has come far in the 8 months that I've been with her.
Much of the joy in my life comes from my yoga practice. As silly as it sounds to non yoga practitioners every yogi and yogini will understand when I say that I could lose everything in my life, but as long as I had my yoga practice I'd have everything I need.
It's not always easy balancing the demands of modern daily life with a yoga practice...but then again that, in itself is yoga.
A quick note. When I talk about yoga I talk about it in the macro sense...all of Pattanjali's 8 limbs if you will (google it for those of you who don't know what I mean). Not just the physical practice or asanas. But the yamas and niyamas (moral codes) and the spiritual practices as well.
That's what I love about Ashtanga...which means "8 limbs." The asana practice incorporates it all.
I began an Ashtanga yoga practice in 2000 and practiced regularly for a year before moving to NZ. I had a very sporadic practice for 4 years and finally went back in September 2006 to the Auckland Yoga Academy run by my dear friends Jude Hynes and Peter Nilsson after having lost 50 lbs / 22 kgs. I developed a 4 - 5 day / week practice and it truly became part of my life. I also started to study yogic philosophies with Peter and Jude and developed a wonderful friendship.
Now, Ashtanga is an absolute miracle for me. It's the most dynamic of yoga practices and builds incredible stamina and strength in addition to flexibility. It's an hour and a half to two hours of constant movement and very challenging poses. There are something like 47 push ups spread throughout the practice as well (it took me a year of constant practice to even do one of them!)
I've never been particularly strong. In fact, growing up my parents used to call me Cupcake Muscles! So, for me to have a regular Ashtanga practice is a miracle. For me to be able to do the entire primary series in completely unexpected. But here I am.
If you are a dedicated Ashtangi you go to Mysore, India: the source for Ashtanga where the founder of the practice Sri K. Pattabhi Jois (Guruji) lived for most of his 93 years and died just this past May. I did go to Mysore and spent 4 months there from July - October of last year. I wrote my first blog about those experiences, "Eat, Pray, Love: the Kim Smith Version." This was a life changing experience for me on so many levels.
Not only did my yoga practice deepen imeasurably, but I also had the privilege to study philosophy and TM Meditation with another true guru and true yogi, Narasimhan. Then there was India herself. What an amazing place with stunning people. My friend Amna Ali Kamal says it best in her song, "White Cow", "Take me back to India, she's got me through the souls of my feet."
India gets into your DNA. Once you've been part of you never leaves. I get homesick for India just like I get homesick for the States or New Zealand...yet somehow even more profoundly. The only way to explain it is that I feel its the true home of my soul.
One of the best things about Sydney though is my teacher here, Eileen Hall of Yoga Moves. Eileen was one of Guruji's first western students and is an amazing teacher. My practice has come far in the 8 months that I've been with her.
Much of the joy in my life comes from my yoga practice. As silly as it sounds to non yoga practitioners every yogi and yogini will understand when I say that I could lose everything in my life, but as long as I had my yoga practice I'd have everything I need.
It's not always easy balancing the demands of modern daily life with a yoga practice...but then again that, in itself is yoga.
Dating Life
As I mentioned, I'm divorced and dating vigorously. Well, technically I'm separated as NZ has a 2 year mandatory separation before getting a divorce. After August 4th my husband Brad (whom I'm still great friends with!!!) will take our separation agreement and $25 down to the court house to finalise our divorce. He'll be happy...no more joint US tax returns!
It's interesting dating at 48. In many ways it's much easier than when I was younger, maybe because I'm much more self-confident...maybe because I'm much hotter than I was back then (see told ya I have a healthy opinion of myself). :)
But the last few months have been quite the experience.
Now, I'm primarily using RSVP, an online dating site in Oz to find men to date. I love RSVP because you don't get as many weirdos and scam artists as I found on Match.com. It's also a great system because you can "kiss" people you're interested in and, if they are interested in you, they will reply positively and then you spend money on a "stamp" to send an email. For women it's a very cheap way to go as you get more than enough hits. I rarely send kisses...only if there is someone that really attracts my attention.
I use RSVP because I think it's a tremendously effective use of time, gives me access to a much broader cross section of men. And I can "date" in the comfort of my own home wearing old sweat pants and no make up.
I've had email exchanges with over 100 guys, met over 30 for first dates and had exactly 3 second dates. Yes, I'm picky.
I've learned some things along the way too:
I've only I met one guy that totally lied in his profile. He said he was 5'9" (5'6" is being generous) and that he had an athletic body (maybe he did 10 - 15 years ago but now he's almost as wide as he is tall). Now I would tell him that he'd misrepresented himself and walk out. But this was the early days and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Mid way through my first and only glass of wine he asked me how he was doing and if I'd like to see him again. I said no.
The other guys were nice, but not compelling enough for me to spend more time with.
Of the three second dates I had...
One has turned into a great friend (probably my best friend in Sydney) and business associate. He doesn't feel a "spark" for me, which is fine. We have a great time together and don't seem to get bored with each other, which is ashtonishing for both of us, really.
One wanted to move really really quickly. I suspect he was more looking for a mother for his children than a romantic partner. I like him a lot and was attracted to him but I just didn't seem to connect with him like he said he was connecting with me. Part of it was the fact that he didn't take particularly good care of himself physically, which is a big deal. Part of it was something else that I just couldn't put my finger on. But he's now in a relationship that seems to be working really well for him and I'm happy.
The third was smart and funny and cute and a Kiwi (I have a soft spot in my heart for Kiwis). Our second date was the day before my birthday. He "took me out" to celebrate...and made me split the bill. Needless to say, there was not a third date.
The best date I've had through this entire experience was the biggest learning experience of all. He was smart, very funny, extremely successful, accomplished and driven and very sexy. We spent a great 3 hours together and he had me giggling like a school girl! He was extremely masculine which brought out the feminine in me. It was just about perfect...until
As we were finishing off (he was running late to pick up his kids) I got up to go the bathroom. When I came back he stood up, pulled me towards him, gave me a nice kiss on the lips and walked away. He didn't mention paying so I thought he must have taken care of it.
I had a networking meeting in the same hotel and went to that. A waiter came by with a tray of drinks and I took one. Shortly there after another waiter came by with a bill. Now, I've been to a lot of networking meetings before and I've never seen a system where they offer you a glass on one tray and present you with a bill a minute later. Then I looked at the bill. $58! That's an expensive glass of champagne!!!! But no, it was actually our bar bill. My guy had left without paying.
Now, my first reaction was that he forgot. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very direct communicator. Normally I would have just gone home, written him and email asking if he'd forgotten and we'd be laughing. But, I was so stunned by this (and a bit tipsy at this point in time) that I started telling people what had happened. I love a good story and I thought this was a good one. After I got over the initial shock I was laughing. But, to the person, everyone I told (men and women) all told me that he most likely did it on purpose and that I shouldn't give him a second thought because he was either a complete ass or a game player. Unfortunately that was congruent with some of the emails that we'd exchanged before meeting (although my experience of him in person was definitely not that!) But, I took this to heart and, instead of writing the email I would have normally written, I wrote him a very ambiguous one and one he took the wrong way.
A month went by with little communication. I did ask him to make up for leaving me with the bill by donating some items from a store that he owns to my Rotary Club's 4th of July celebration which he did.
Then finally curiosity got the best of me and I emailed him and asked him why he left like that. Well, he'd forgotten, like I'd originally assumed. Then he mis read my email and thought I was hard work so he forgot about me. Unfortunately for me and luckily for him he's also met someone else and is madly in love. I am happy for him and I learned a lot through this experience.
And there will be many more adventures to come, that I can promise you!
It's interesting dating at 48. In many ways it's much easier than when I was younger, maybe because I'm much more self-confident...maybe because I'm much hotter than I was back then (see told ya I have a healthy opinion of myself). :)
But the last few months have been quite the experience.
Now, I'm primarily using RSVP, an online dating site in Oz to find men to date. I love RSVP because you don't get as many weirdos and scam artists as I found on Match.com. It's also a great system because you can "kiss" people you're interested in and, if they are interested in you, they will reply positively and then you spend money on a "stamp" to send an email. For women it's a very cheap way to go as you get more than enough hits. I rarely send kisses...only if there is someone that really attracts my attention.
I use RSVP because I think it's a tremendously effective use of time, gives me access to a much broader cross section of men. And I can "date" in the comfort of my own home wearing old sweat pants and no make up.
I've had email exchanges with over 100 guys, met over 30 for first dates and had exactly 3 second dates. Yes, I'm picky.
I've learned some things along the way too:
- If they are under 6' tall they lie about their height...take 1 - 3 inches off (you know how bad men are with measurements). :)
- If all of their pics are taken with a cap or hat on they are bald.
- If all of their pictures are scanned in they are 5 - 10 years old.
I've only I met one guy that totally lied in his profile. He said he was 5'9" (5'6" is being generous) and that he had an athletic body (maybe he did 10 - 15 years ago but now he's almost as wide as he is tall). Now I would tell him that he'd misrepresented himself and walk out. But this was the early days and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Mid way through my first and only glass of wine he asked me how he was doing and if I'd like to see him again. I said no.
The other guys were nice, but not compelling enough for me to spend more time with.
Of the three second dates I had...
One has turned into a great friend (probably my best friend in Sydney) and business associate. He doesn't feel a "spark" for me, which is fine. We have a great time together and don't seem to get bored with each other, which is ashtonishing for both of us, really.
One wanted to move really really quickly. I suspect he was more looking for a mother for his children than a romantic partner. I like him a lot and was attracted to him but I just didn't seem to connect with him like he said he was connecting with me. Part of it was the fact that he didn't take particularly good care of himself physically, which is a big deal. Part of it was something else that I just couldn't put my finger on. But he's now in a relationship that seems to be working really well for him and I'm happy.
The third was smart and funny and cute and a Kiwi (I have a soft spot in my heart for Kiwis). Our second date was the day before my birthday. He "took me out" to celebrate...and made me split the bill. Needless to say, there was not a third date.
The best date I've had through this entire experience was the biggest learning experience of all. He was smart, very funny, extremely successful, accomplished and driven and very sexy. We spent a great 3 hours together and he had me giggling like a school girl! He was extremely masculine which brought out the feminine in me. It was just about perfect...until
As we were finishing off (he was running late to pick up his kids) I got up to go the bathroom. When I came back he stood up, pulled me towards him, gave me a nice kiss on the lips and walked away. He didn't mention paying so I thought he must have taken care of it.
I had a networking meeting in the same hotel and went to that. A waiter came by with a tray of drinks and I took one. Shortly there after another waiter came by with a bill. Now, I've been to a lot of networking meetings before and I've never seen a system where they offer you a glass on one tray and present you with a bill a minute later. Then I looked at the bill. $58! That's an expensive glass of champagne!!!! But no, it was actually our bar bill. My guy had left without paying.
Now, my first reaction was that he forgot. Anyone who knows me knows that I am a very direct communicator. Normally I would have just gone home, written him and email asking if he'd forgotten and we'd be laughing. But, I was so stunned by this (and a bit tipsy at this point in time) that I started telling people what had happened. I love a good story and I thought this was a good one. After I got over the initial shock I was laughing. But, to the person, everyone I told (men and women) all told me that he most likely did it on purpose and that I shouldn't give him a second thought because he was either a complete ass or a game player. Unfortunately that was congruent with some of the emails that we'd exchanged before meeting (although my experience of him in person was definitely not that!) But, I took this to heart and, instead of writing the email I would have normally written, I wrote him a very ambiguous one and one he took the wrong way.
A month went by with little communication. I did ask him to make up for leaving me with the bill by donating some items from a store that he owns to my Rotary Club's 4th of July celebration which he did.
Then finally curiosity got the best of me and I emailed him and asked him why he left like that. Well, he'd forgotten, like I'd originally assumed. Then he mis read my email and thought I was hard work so he forgot about me. Unfortunately for me and luckily for him he's also met someone else and is madly in love. I am happy for him and I learned a lot through this experience.
- Don't let other people's opinions influence you! Go with your gut.
- Direct, clear, open, honest communication is the only way to go.
- Seize the moment. If you see something you want go after it!
- There are men out there that can make me giggle like a school girl. They may only come around rarely but they are out there and I can find them and attract them (he later told me that we'd be dating had my email not pissed him off). :)
And there will be many more adventures to come, that I can promise you!
Friday, July 17, 2009
48? How did that happen????
I'm finally launching the blog that I've been promising to so many people for so long. My first blog, "Eat, Pray, Love, the Kim Smith Version" chronicled my life changing 4 months practicing Ashtanga Yoga at it's source in Mysore India. People seemed to enjoy reading about both my inner and outer journeys during that experience and they've been encouraging me to start another. I've made several attempts but never really got very far...until my 48th birthday on July 3 of this year.
48???? How did that happen? I certainly don't feel 48. I think I look and know I feel better than I ever have! I'm definitely in better shape mentally, emotionally and physically than I was 10, even 20 years ago. So, while I tell myself that 48 is just a number, sometimes it seems like a big one.
But then again, part of what has made me who I am is my 48 years of experience. So which years would I wish away? Which experiences would I trade for a different year on my birth certificate? None of them!
The truth is that I'm happier, healthier and more comfortable in my own skin as a result of my 48 years on the planet. And, since I plan to live past 100 I'm not even 1/2 way through my life (but I am getting close to launching the 2nd half of it).
So, what will I do with the second half of my life? How will I spend it? What will I accomplish, who will I be, who will I serve? Who will I love? Big questions. Exciting questions. I hope that the insights that I share in this blog as I answer these questions for myself with help others along the way...or at the very least I hope they will entertain them.
I don't have a lot of ego. Many of the people who know me will disagree with that statement. To put it differently, while I have a healthy opinion of myself and my capabilities, I'm not afraid to try almost anything and I'm not afraid to look stupid or to stumble and fall...and I do plenty of that in my life. And I'm doing plenty of that now, being in a new city, starting a new business and, (gasp) dating at 48. I've had lots of adventures already in the 8 months that I've been in Sydney and plan to have many more to write about here.
So, a little background to get started for those of you who don't know me and to catch up those of you who do.
I grew up in the US (lived in Wisconsin, Tennessee, Florida, Ohio (go Buckeyes), Massachusetts and Texas (Austin, heaven on Earth!). I spent 4 years in hotel management at The Hermitage Hotel in Nashville, a beautiful, turn of the century, renovated 5 Diamond property. Then I went to Ohio State and trained as an accountant (yuck). I worked for 2 years at KPMG in Boston and Dallas and then floated around a bit in other accounting jobs. I fell into recruiting in 1994 with Robert Half International...one of the best companies on the planet.
I had a fabulous 15 year career in recruiting, primarily but not exclusively with Robert Half. I got married in 2001 at the age of 40 and moved to New Zealand with my new husband to restart the 10 month old and struggling Robert Half office in Auckland.
I had an AWESOME 6 years in New Zealand. It was the best professional experience I've ever had. I was incredibly successful, was in the media a great deal, helped to build the office to arguably the number 1 brand for accounting and finance recruitment in Auckland, met some amazing people and basically had the time of my life.
New Zealand itself is a stunning country. It is, unarguably, the most beautiful country on the planet with spectacular views around every bend in the road (of which there are many in NZ). The Kiwis are the most friendly people on Earth and are very sophisticated, intelligent and worldly. An incredible thing for people who litterally live at the end of the earth.
But, paradise has its problems...and NZ's problem is it's weather. Specifically Auckland's problem is its weather. My ex-husband used to say that it's either raining, getting ready to rain, or just stopped raining in Auckland. The rain didn't necessarily bother me...but the damp cold did. Especially when your house does not have heat (don't get me started!) :)
So, after becoming a citizen and proudly carrying an NZ passport I did what so many Kiwis do (both natural and naturalised) I moved to Sydney.
Now, Sydney is a beautiful city with one of the most stunning harbours in the world. The weather is MUCH better than Auckland, I'm pleased to say. And the number of people who live in Sydney equals the number of people who live in all of NZ. So, there is more opportunity here.
I struggled the first 6 months I was here. Aussies are very different than Kiwis and Australia is a hard place to live. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the continent is the 2nd most inhospitable place to live outside of Antarctica! Maybe that effects the mentality here. I don't know. But I do know that the banking and telecommunications systems are better in some third world countries than they are here. I also know that customer service sucks and that there is a high degree of apathy that pervades the culture.
Having said that, I've met some really amazing people here and am starting to carve out a niche, a community...a tribe. In the end it's the tribes that you associate with that impact the quality of your life and mine is shaping up to be the best I've ever had.
So, come with me as I continue to explore my new city and country, build my business, date up a storm and practice my wonderful Ashtanga yoga.
I'll stumble and fall a lot, but I'll always pick myself up smiling and I hope I can make you smile as well.
48???? How did that happen? I certainly don't feel 48. I think I look and know I feel better than I ever have! I'm definitely in better shape mentally, emotionally and physically than I was 10, even 20 years ago. So, while I tell myself that 48 is just a number, sometimes it seems like a big one.
But then again, part of what has made me who I am is my 48 years of experience. So which years would I wish away? Which experiences would I trade for a different year on my birth certificate? None of them!
The truth is that I'm happier, healthier and more comfortable in my own skin as a result of my 48 years on the planet. And, since I plan to live past 100 I'm not even 1/2 way through my life (but I am getting close to launching the 2nd half of it).
So, what will I do with the second half of my life? How will I spend it? What will I accomplish, who will I be, who will I serve? Who will I love? Big questions. Exciting questions. I hope that the insights that I share in this blog as I answer these questions for myself with help others along the way...or at the very least I hope they will entertain them.
I don't have a lot of ego. Many of the people who know me will disagree with that statement. To put it differently, while I have a healthy opinion of myself and my capabilities, I'm not afraid to try almost anything and I'm not afraid to look stupid or to stumble and fall...and I do plenty of that in my life. And I'm doing plenty of that now, being in a new city, starting a new business and, (gasp) dating at 48. I've had lots of adventures already in the 8 months that I've been in Sydney and plan to have many more to write about here.
So, a little background to get started for those of you who don't know me and to catch up those of you who do.
I grew up in the US (lived in Wisconsin, Tennessee, Florida, Ohio (go Buckeyes), Massachusetts and Texas (Austin, heaven on Earth!). I spent 4 years in hotel management at The Hermitage Hotel in Nashville, a beautiful, turn of the century, renovated 5 Diamond property. Then I went to Ohio State and trained as an accountant (yuck). I worked for 2 years at KPMG in Boston and Dallas and then floated around a bit in other accounting jobs. I fell into recruiting in 1994 with Robert Half International...one of the best companies on the planet.
I had a fabulous 15 year career in recruiting, primarily but not exclusively with Robert Half. I got married in 2001 at the age of 40 and moved to New Zealand with my new husband to restart the 10 month old and struggling Robert Half office in Auckland.
I had an AWESOME 6 years in New Zealand. It was the best professional experience I've ever had. I was incredibly successful, was in the media a great deal, helped to build the office to arguably the number 1 brand for accounting and finance recruitment in Auckland, met some amazing people and basically had the time of my life.
New Zealand itself is a stunning country. It is, unarguably, the most beautiful country on the planet with spectacular views around every bend in the road (of which there are many in NZ). The Kiwis are the most friendly people on Earth and are very sophisticated, intelligent and worldly. An incredible thing for people who litterally live at the end of the earth.
But, paradise has its problems...and NZ's problem is it's weather. Specifically Auckland's problem is its weather. My ex-husband used to say that it's either raining, getting ready to rain, or just stopped raining in Auckland. The rain didn't necessarily bother me...but the damp cold did. Especially when your house does not have heat (don't get me started!) :)
So, after becoming a citizen and proudly carrying an NZ passport I did what so many Kiwis do (both natural and naturalised) I moved to Sydney.
Now, Sydney is a beautiful city with one of the most stunning harbours in the world. The weather is MUCH better than Auckland, I'm pleased to say. And the number of people who live in Sydney equals the number of people who live in all of NZ. So, there is more opportunity here.
I struggled the first 6 months I was here. Aussies are very different than Kiwis and Australia is a hard place to live. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the continent is the 2nd most inhospitable place to live outside of Antarctica! Maybe that effects the mentality here. I don't know. But I do know that the banking and telecommunications systems are better in some third world countries than they are here. I also know that customer service sucks and that there is a high degree of apathy that pervades the culture.
Having said that, I've met some really amazing people here and am starting to carve out a niche, a community...a tribe. In the end it's the tribes that you associate with that impact the quality of your life and mine is shaping up to be the best I've ever had.
So, come with me as I continue to explore my new city and country, build my business, date up a storm and practice my wonderful Ashtanga yoga.
I'll stumble and fall a lot, but I'll always pick myself up smiling and I hope I can make you smile as well.
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