Hi and welcome to my blog. I'm an American living in Sydney and working as a Coach, Trainer, Speaker and Writer. I specialise in helping people 'Reinvent Themselves', having done so myself both personally and professionally several times over.

I'm 48, divorced and having fun dating again (really for the first time).

I am a dedicated Ashtanga yoga practitioner and do a daily TM meditation. I've done lots of personal development and am a Senior Leader for Robbins Research Institute and a Master Neuro Strategist and NLP Practitioner through Steve Linder's, SRI Training. I'm also currently studying a Certificate in Strategic Intervention through the Robbins Madanes Training Institute.

I strive every day to incorporate what I gain on the yoga mat and the meditation cushion with what I learn from Tony, Steve, Cloe and all of the others within the Robbins and SRI communities with my very full on daily life. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail, but I always learn something. I hope that what I’m learning can help or at least entertain others.

Work Life

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Learning to Date at 48: Online Exploits

The post below “Learning to Date at 48: Inner Journey” explains my inner journey in getting ready to start dating again after separating from my husband 18 months before. This one will talk about my dating exploits.

So, if you’ve read my post below you’ll know why I decided to go the online route when I started dating again. I only really started getting out there in March of this year. My goal was to meet at least 1 new guy a week. So, I wrote a profile, took some pics and off I went.

The way my online site works is that, if you find someone you’re interested in you can send them a ‘kiss’ for free. The kisses have one of several pre-defined contact lines. The recipient of the kiss can reply with one of several pre-defined responses (positive, negative or tell me more). If it’s positive the sender of the kiss typically sends an email and the conversation begins. You can correspond for 30 days on that one email (which the sender has to pay for) and it’s totally up to you when you escalate contact to regular email, phone or meeting.

I try to email a few times to get a sense of what they’re like, maybe talk on the phone once and then meet them if I’m interested.

My ratio was about 1/15. I’d meet 1 out of 15 men that ‘kissed’ me. Like I said, I’ve probably had 40 first dates since March. Of those first dates exactly 4 moved to 2nd dates, 3 to third dates and only 1 past that (more about him later).

And after 8 months of this, here are my observations so far. Please men, feel free to weigh in in the comments section...I’m sure women have their own idiosyncrasies, but since I’m not dating women I can only write about what I’ve found with men’s profiles. And fair is fair!

Okay, quick caveat...typical comments I get from people who have never done online dating when I tell them that I’m doing it is, “I’ve heard that people just lie in their profiles, they can’t be trusted” and “Only losers who can’t find dates any other way do online dating” (ouch!)

I have to point out that I’ve met some great men online, and a few have become good friends. One has become one of my best friends in Sydney.

I’ve only had 1 guy outright lie to me (his pics were at least 15 years old and he was at least 3 inches shorter and 30 kilos (about 70 lbs) heavier!

I have, however had men stretch the truth....literally! My rule of thumb is that if I man is under 6’ tall you should subtract 1 - 3 inches from his height.

So, here are my observations:
Men take the path of least resistance. I got far more ‘kisses’ when I was online than I did when I was off. So I used to leave my profile up all of the time just so guys would see me as online. It wasn’t unusual to come home to 20 ‘kisses’ in my inbox.
A lot of men go fishing. They’ll ‘kiss’ you several times and never send an email. I think that’s rude.
If men only have 1 photo and it’s fuzzy it’s old.
If the men are wearing caps in all of their pics they’re bald (I NEVER thought I’d reach the stage in life where a man who still has all of his hair would be a rarity...but I have).
Men do lie about their height (see above).
Men’s interpretations of what constitute an ‘athletic’ body differ...and some greatly differ from my own interpretation.
Men don’t like ‘long email correspondences’. They prefer to meet straight off. This can be intimidating to a lot of women. So, men please be aware of that and women, stand your ground! This works for me though. I’d rather meet than talk on the phone. After 15 years in recruitment the phone to me spells work.
Men in their 20’s LOVE women in their 40’s. I’d say 1/3 of all ‘kisses’ I received was from young, good looking for the most part, guys. But Demi Moore I’m not. They were all declined.

All of the men I met have been interesting on some level. And, even though I may not have wanted to see them again, the hour I spent with them was not wasted in the vast majority of instances. The ones that I was disappointed by I should not have met and I knew that I shouldn’t have met them before I did. But every once in awhile I’ll convince myself that I’m too harsh and should give more people a chance.

But, if anyone has read Malcolm Gladwell’s ‘Blink’ and knows about thin slicing, I can do that really really quickly with people, having spent 15 years in recruitment and having done a gazillion hours of personal development work. I trust my gut most of the time, and when I don’t I pay for it.

Now some quite funny experiences.

There was the guy I met the guy who was 5’6” instead of the 5’9” he claimed and had 15 year old (and much thinner) pics up. We sat down and started to talk (this was early on...now a days I’d say something like, “I’m sorry, you’re not what I ordered” and walk out). About 15 minutes into our conversation he asked how he was doing and if I’d see him again. I felt sorry for him, but told him no...there would be no second date.

Then there was the man who asked me on our third date (which occurred within 48 hours of our first date) how I’d feel about raising his children. That’s not even why I decided not to date him again, although to this day he thinks it is. Nice guy though and he seems to have found someone so good on him.

My absolute favourite though is the guy who texted me a picture of himself without a shirt on the night BEFORE we were supposed to meet. He was completely flabbergasted when I texted him back and told him I found that creepy and would be canceling our date.

Why so many first dates and not many past that you might be asking? Well, I’m the first to admit that I’m picky. I know what I want and won’t settle, not again. And first and foremost I want a strong, masculine man who brings out the feminine little girl in me. I want someone who can make me think, make me laugh and make my toes curl.

And the guy that went past the third date? While he did all of those, unfortunately he has the emotional maturity of a retarded knat to quote a teacher of mine.

And that finally ended once and for all last night when I did something I’ve never done in my life. I walked out of the restaurant we were eating in...before the main course came.

But this story actually illustrates the main learnings that I’ve gotten over the last few months and is the main reason that I’ve decided to include this part of my life in my blog.

I won’t go through the whole story here, and it is quite a story. But the high points are that this is a very masculine, self assured (cocky) guy who’s a rock star in business. Highly intelligent and great looking! On our first date he had me giggling like a school girl and I loved it! I hadn’t experienced that, well ever. My God it was like a drug! I couldn’t for one moment slip that masculine mask on, even when talking about business. He’d rip it right off of me.

He made me feel like the most special person on the planet when I was with him. Until he didn’t. And when things changed it hurt like hell. He got mean and manipulative. Not overtly. Very covertly. He could sell ice to Eskimos and convince you that the sky is green and grass is blue, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

But I did what most women do. I blamed myself and excused him. He’s troubled (and he is troubled...not the easiest of childhoods). I was somehow insufficient in how I was reacting and he just needed time. He / we had this great potential!!!!

But you know what? Unrealised potential amounts to nothing at all. And my biggest learning was to look at things as how they really are and not as how they could be.

My second biggest learning was what it feels like to be with a strong, masculine man. He set the bar for me and I’ll always be grateful for that. I’m also grateful that he showed me that I was enough (pretty, sexy, etc) to attract someone like that.

So, on with my search! I have a date with someone tomorrow. I’m breaking my first date rule of coffee or a drink only (quick get away) and I’m going sailing. I’m only breaking this rule because an opportunity to go sailing on Sydney Harbour is never to be missed.

I have someone else wanting to meet me (we’re talking tomorrow night for the first time). Not so sure about him.

Then there’s the two men that actually asked me out, without being online! OMG!!! One is a lovely man and I’ll probably go out with him at some point, but he’s not rocking my world. The other is rocking my world and we’ve had only a 5 minute conversation. I suspect he may be a bit of trouble though. But I’ve never been one to choose the easy path.

3 comments:

  1. Hi Kim, I like your observations about the dating situation, I just came out of it very successfully and for me it was all about being very clear about what I wanted. I wish you good luck and I hope you keep telling us what is happening :)

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  2. Thanks Claudia! Funnily enough I'm re-defining what I want as I write this. I think I was too stringent before. I'm loosening up my criteria and basing it more on how the things on the list make me feel. I'll definitely keep you updated! And happy to hear of your success! :)

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