Learning to Date at 48: Online Exploits

The post below “Learning to Date at 48: Inner Journey” explains my inner journey in getting ready to start dating again after separating from my husband 18 months before. This one will talk about my dating exploits.

So, if you’ve read my post below you’ll know why I decided to go the online route when I started dating again. I only really started getting out there in March of this year. My goal was to meet at least 1 new guy a week. So, I wrote a profile, took some pics and off I went.

The way my online site works is that, if you find someone you’re interested in you can send them a ‘kiss’ for free. The kisses have one of several pre-defined contact lines. The recipient of the kiss can reply with one of several pre-defined responses (positive, negative or tell me more). If it’s positive the sender of the kiss typically sends an email and the conversation begins. You can correspond for 30 days on that one email (which the sender has to pay for) and it’s totally up to you when you escalate contact to regular email, phone or meeting.

I try to email a few times to get a sense of what they’re like, maybe talk on the phone once and then meet them if I’m interested.

My ratio was about 1/15. I’d meet 1 out of 15 men that ‘kissed’ me. Like I said, I’ve probably had 40 first dates since March. Of those first dates exactly 4 moved to 2nd dates, 3 to third dates and only 1 past that (more about him later).

And after 8 months of this, here are my observations so far. Please men, feel free to weigh in in the comments section...I’m sure women have their own idiosyncrasies, but since I’m not dating women I can only write about what I’ve found with men’s profiles. And fair is fair!

Okay, quick caveat...typical comments I get from people who have never done online dating when I tell them that I’m doing it is, “I’ve heard that people just lie in their profiles, they can’t be trusted” and “Only losers who can’t find dates any other way do online dating” (ouch!)

I have to point out that I’ve met some great men online, and a few have become good friends. One has become one of my best friends in Sydney.

I’ve only had 1 guy outright lie to me (his pics were at least 15 years old and he was at least 3 inches shorter and 30 kilos (about 70 lbs) heavier!

I have, however had men stretch the truth....literally! My rule of thumb is that if I man is under 6’ tall you should subtract 1 - 3 inches from his height.

So, here are my observations:
Men take the path of least resistance. I got far more ‘kisses’ when I was online than I did when I was off. So I used to leave my profile up all of the time just so guys would see me as online. It wasn’t unusual to come home to 20 ‘kisses’ in my inbox.
A lot of men go fishing. They’ll ‘kiss’ you several times and never send an email. I think that’s rude.
If men only have 1 photo and it’s fuzzy it’s old.
If the men are wearing caps in all of their pics they’re bald (I NEVER thought I’d reach the stage in life where a man who still has all of his hair would be a rarity...but I have).
Men do lie about their height (see above).
Men’s interpretations of what constitute an ‘athletic’ body differ...and some greatly differ from my own interpretation.
Men don’t like ‘long email correspondences’. They prefer to meet straight off. This can be intimidating to a lot of women. So, men please be aware of that and women, stand your ground! This works for me though. I’d rather meet than talk on the phone. After 15 years in recruitment the phone to me spells work.
Men in their 20’s LOVE women in their 40’s. I’d say 1/3 of all ‘kisses’ I received was from young, good looking for the most part, guys. But Demi Moore I’m not. They were all declined.

All of the men I met have been interesting on some level. And, even though I may not have wanted to see them again, the hour I spent with them was not wasted in the vast majority of instances. The ones that I was disappointed by I should not have met and I knew that I shouldn’t have met them before I did. But every once in awhile I’ll convince myself that I’m too harsh and should give more people a chance.

But, if anyone has read Malcolm Gladwell’s ‘Blink’ and knows about thin slicing, I can do that really really quickly with people, having spent 15 years in recruitment and having done a gazillion hours of personal development work. I trust my gut most of the time, and when I don’t I pay for it.

Now some quite funny experiences.

There was the guy I met the guy who was 5’6” instead of the 5’9” he claimed and had 15 year old (and much thinner) pics up. We sat down and started to talk (this was early on...now a days I’d say something like, “I’m sorry, you’re not what I ordered” and walk out). About 15 minutes into our conversation he asked how he was doing and if I’d see him again. I felt sorry for him, but told him no...there would be no second date.

Then there was the man who asked me on our third date (which occurred within 48 hours of our first date) how I’d feel about raising his children. That’s not even why I decided not to date him again, although to this day he thinks it is. Nice guy though and he seems to have found someone so good on him.

My absolute favourite though is the guy who texted me a picture of himself without a shirt on the night BEFORE we were supposed to meet. He was completely flabbergasted when I texted him back and told him I found that creepy and would be canceling our date.

Why so many first dates and not many past that you might be asking? Well, I’m the first to admit that I’m picky. I know what I want and won’t settle, not again. And first and foremost I want a strong, masculine man who brings out the feminine little girl in me. I want someone who can make me think, make me laugh and make my toes curl.

And the guy that went past the third date? While he did all of those, unfortunately he has the emotional maturity of a retarded knat to quote a teacher of mine.

And that finally ended once and for all last night when I did something I’ve never done in my life. I walked out of the restaurant we were eating in...before the main course came.

But this story actually illustrates the main learnings that I’ve gotten over the last few months and is the main reason that I’ve decided to include this part of my life in my blog.

I won’t go through the whole story here, and it is quite a story. But the high points are that this is a very masculine, self assured (cocky) guy who’s a rock star in business. Highly intelligent and great looking! On our first date he had me giggling like a school girl and I loved it! I hadn’t experienced that, well ever. My God it was like a drug! I couldn’t for one moment slip that masculine mask on, even when talking about business. He’d rip it right off of me.

He made me feel like the most special person on the planet when I was with him. Until he didn’t. And when things changed it hurt like hell. He got mean and manipulative. Not overtly. Very covertly. He could sell ice to Eskimos and convince you that the sky is green and grass is blue, even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

But I did what most women do. I blamed myself and excused him. He’s troubled (and he is troubled...not the easiest of childhoods). I was somehow insufficient in how I was reacting and he just needed time. He / we had this great potential!!!!

But you know what? Unrealised potential amounts to nothing at all. And my biggest learning was to look at things as how they really are and not as how they could be.

My second biggest learning was what it feels like to be with a strong, masculine man. He set the bar for me and I’ll always be grateful for that. I’m also grateful that he showed me that I was enough (pretty, sexy, etc) to attract someone like that.

So, on with my search! I have a date with someone tomorrow. I’m breaking my first date rule of coffee or a drink only (quick get away) and I’m going sailing. I’m only breaking this rule because an opportunity to go sailing on Sydney Harbour is never to be missed.

I have someone else wanting to meet me (we’re talking tomorrow night for the first time). Not so sure about him.

Then there’s the two men that actually asked me out, without being online! OMG!!! One is a lovely man and I’ll probably go out with him at some point, but he’s not rocking my world. The other is rocking my world and we’ve had only a 5 minute conversation. I suspect he may be a bit of trouble though. But I’ve never been one to choose the easy path.

Learning to Date at 48: Inner Journey

I’ve debated with myself about whether or not to share my dating exploits in this blog. My original intention was to do so but then I started to have second thoughts for two reasons. First, this is the area of my life that I’ve historically felt the least confident in. Do I really want to air my vulnerabilities in this public forum? Secondly, I wouldn’t be sharing things about just myself, I’d be sharing them about others as well.

But I’ve decided that yes, I will start sharing my experiences (and the names of other parties will be changed and details left intentionally vague). I’m really passionate about helping others and this is such a big area in everyone’s life. And if I can share any learnings from my own journey maybe I can shine the light on the path for others dealing with the same issues and make their journey a bit lighter.

So, a bit of background for those that don’t know me. I was terribly shy in high school and my Freshman year in college (shocking I know to those that know me now) and barely talked to boys / men. I dated one boy from the age of 13 - 15 1/2 and had a bit of a long distance thing as well for a year in our early 20‘s (actually I almost married him). I’ve never fallen out of love with him but am very clear that we could never be together. We’re two different people.

I cured my shyness when I joined the Air National Guard in 1985 and went through basic training. Even so, since then I’ve spent most of my adult life alone with the exception of an 18 month relationship with one man in my early 30’s and a 5 month relationship with another a couple years later.

I “dated” others but nothing serious until I was 37.

I never wanted kids so never had the urge to settle down. But at 37 I decided it was time to start focusing on my social life and take the attention off of my work life.

As an aside, I’m working with a number of clients now in their late 30’s and it’s amazing to me that that seems to be the time that the focus in our lives start to shift. Either from career to personal or from kids to ourselves. But it’s certainly a time of transition.

But I digress. Within 2 months of making this decision I met my ex-husband. He’s a wonderful man and a great companion. But we only had one life goal in common, and that was to move to New Zealand. Once we did that I began to realise that we wanted very very different things out of life. We were also never madly, passionately in love. Either one of use. And I realised that I had compromised on what I really wanted in this area of my life.

So, after and 18 months of talking to him and looking for resolutions I decided to leave. We’ve not had a cross word in the 2 plus years we’ve been apart and have remained very good friends. He’s going on 2 years with another woman and seems quite happy, and I’m happy for him.

And me? I’ve started to date. Really date for the first time in my life.

Now, I’ve had a couple of internal obstacles on my dating journey. First, I believed that men were intimidated by me and second, I believed that men didn’t find me physically attractive. So, you can imagine what life was like with those two limiting beliefs.

I’ve always had this notion that I intimidate men. And it’s always been supported by my girlfriends. That’s what girls tell each other to comfort each other. But, at the risk of blowing my own horn, I’m very smart, successful and driven. Someone told me last night that I do more in a day than he does in a month. That’s not the first time I’ve heard that.

So I believed that men don’t want smart women, successful women because we intimidate their fragile male egos. But I’m realising that that’s not true at all. And I’ve realised this by going out on at least 40 first dates in the last 8 months and talking to smart, successful men.

The truth is that smart men love smart, feminine women. Masculine men love feminine women. Masculine men are repelled by women wearing masculine masks (and many women do to succeed in business). It’s like a magnet. Remember playing with magnets in school? Opposite polarities attract, same polarities repel. A woman in her masculine repels the masculinity in a man. It’s as simple as that. Bio physics at work.

And we get all tied up in knots as women wondering what we’re doing wrong.

Conversely, women wearing masculine masks often attract men wearing feminine ones. And many men do wear feminine masks...again society is training them to do so...look at the whole “metrosexual” movement. And then when she starts to relax into the relationship and into her own femininity she feels unsatisfied (as does he I imagine). The polarities shift and, unless he can move into his masculine, they start to repel each other again. All of this can get very confusing.

So part of my journey has been to reclaim my femininity. Not an easy thing to do, but way fun!

In my case, and I just realised this about a month ago, not only was I putting on masculine masks to succeed in business and wearing them all of the time (hence attracting men wearing feminine masks), I didn’t actually know how to be a feminine woman. You see I was basically raised by my Dad. And while I loved and adored my Dad and I’ll forever be thankful for everything he taught me, he couldn’t teach me to be a woman. He tried though, in his own way. I remember him really encouraging me to enter a beauty contest when I was 13 or 14. I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I’d heard at the time. Me? Now I realise that on some level he knew this was the one area that he couldn’t teach me and he was searching for an alternative. God bless Dad!

So about 3 1/2 years ago I really started to explore this area of my life. It’s been frustrating and confusing and a lot of fun! And my journey is not over, but I’ve come a long way!

Commitment

It's been awhile since I've posted anything. I've kept waiting for big inspiration. And, while I've been inspired it hasn't been anything big. So, I decided to write shorter bursts and update more regularly.

I want to write about commitment tonight. I've done a lot of work in human psychology and what drives human beings and I've been incredibly lucky to work with some of the most brilliant minds on the planet at this time including Tony Robbins, Steve Linder and Cloe Madanes.

If I were to be lucky enough to discover something of value to add to this field I think my contribution would be around the area of commitment.

Real commitment. The difference between a decision that's just a good idea, one which you can go back or change and justify to yourself (I'll start dieting tomorrow...this cookie just looks too tempting tonight, besides I've had a hard day, I deserve it) and one for which there is no turning back (I'm going to lose those 22 kilos!)

I know in my own life there have been watershed events that really changed the course of my life. Deciding, after 4 years of being out of school to go back to university. Passing the CPA exam on the first try. Losing 22 kilos.

Each one of these events had a profound impact on my life and each one was preceded by a commitment. A commitment from which there was no turning back.

I've made another commitment recently. That is that I'm here in Sydney to stay. It's been a long, hard settling in period. But after my first trip to Vietnam I made the commitment to stay in Sydney and it's made all the difference in the world.

Business started to pick up dramatically, men started showing up, I started meeting some very interesting people. All out of a commitment.

But what is the difference between a commitment and just a good idea? I have my own theories, but would love to hear yours? Do you have stories about how your life has changed as a result of making a true commitment? What happened to lead you to that event? Why was it different than all of the decisions you made previously where you changed your mind and broke your promise to yourself (unless I'm the only one who does that).

If you don't feel comfortable posting your stories here I'd love to have you email me directly at Kim@KimSeelingSmith.com.

Happy committing!

16 September 2009, Down Country: Danang to Saigon

Danang to Saigon. It’s that time of day my friend Dave Holloway calls “super magic happy hour.” Dusk, when the light takes on a surreal quality and nothing is quite in focus. I don’t know if it was that or The Doors’ “Riders on the Storm” streaming from my iPod, but as I walked towards the plane and looked back towards what was one of the busiest airports in the world 40 years ago I could almost see the buzz of activity that was once Danang. The drone of the engines could have been mistaken for choppers taking off and landing. Ex Air Force myself, it didn’t take much for my imagination to run wild and see men decked out in flight suits signaling military planes. I could almost hear the pilots talking to the flight crews.

But no, I’m not hopping a transport down country. Just Vietnamese Airlines flight 327 to Ho Chi Minh City, no longer Saigon. The world has moved on.

I don’t think the Danang airport has though. I don’t think it’s been renovated since that Viet Cong tank broke through the gates of the Presidential Palace in April 1975. Dirty floors, hard plastic chairs, very cheap souvenirs lining every wall. Sparse does not describe it. Austere...does not describe it.

Free Wifi though, gotta love that! The world has, indeed, moved on. Neither of my uncles got to surf the net on their laptop, listening to their iPod while awaiting their flights to Saigon.

15 September 2009, A Magical Night on China Beach, Part Deux

Okay, I’ve eaten and am completely sober. Although I still admit to enjoying the cheesy Karaoke act that’s happening on the terrace above me. I’ve moved to the big chaise lounges on the beach. I’m just a few feet from the ocean and have better Wifi than at home. Gotta love Australia. In many ways the most third world country I’ve ever visited.

Today truly does go down in history as one of the most perfect days. Diane...do you remember our perfect day in Napa all those years ago with the best Tomato soup we’ve ever had at the Moet winery? And that hot fudge sundae at the Italian restaurant after “Waiting to Exhale.” Was that the last time we saw each other???? Hard to believe!

I’m blessed to have had many perfect days and nights. The day with Diane, The night at the Palace with Irish Andrew, San Juan with Bones, the Native American sweat lodge with Tom the day were were supposed to get married, Lapham Peak with Mark, getting rained on and listening to the soundtrack of “Saturday Night Fever.” And many more that don’t spring to mind right now. Most were spent with other people. A few alone. This is one of those that was spent alone but is no less special.

Not only the hotel and China Beach.

I was picked up at 9AM by my driver and guide today. We drove 4 hours south through the mountains (spectacular scenery) to the ancient temples of My Son. I didn’t know why but I was just drawn there. I saw it in the guide book and knew I had to go. I’m sure I’ve seen the pictures before. 90% of the ruins were destroyed by the Americans during the war. Otherwise they would be even more incredible than Ankor Wat. But they didn’t mean anything to me relating to the war.

When I got there I understood. They were built by the Cham Pa people in around 700 AD. The Cham people came from India and these are ancient Hindu temples. Much more beautiful than anything I saw in India. But that probably has to do with the setting. It’s set in a valley with high mountains surrounding it. Lush, green, jungle. And birds! Very few birds in Vietnam. They are either killed for food or were killed to help prevent bird flew from spreading. But they are here in this protected area. I could feel the peace and serentity. I love my guide, but would have been grateful to be alone to meditate. I wish it was the early morning and it was just me with my yoga mat. I’m hoping the pics turned out as well as I think they did.

And with that I’m off to bed. It’s close to 10. I’m going to look at today’s pics and fall into a blissful sleep. Tomorrow I will post these myriad of entries that have been building up.

15 September, 2009, A Magical Night on China Beach

What a perfect night. Or it would be if I had someone to share it with. What is it about China Beach? It’s not even sunny out. Fairly cloudy and misty. But I was hooked as soon as I saw Hoi An, an ancient city about 30 Kilometers outside of Danang, which is a soul less city. Very industrial. Very austere. But Hoi An has an ancient flavour to it. Even with all of the tourist shops.

The city is built on a river which is, in itself, picturesque. I initially booked at the Indochine, for $32 / night US. But after last night’s experience I decided to upgrade. Only $100 US (off season) and I’m right on one of the most stunning beaches I’ve ever seen. What is it? Is it prettier than Hawaii? Cabo? Fiji? Phuket? Or any of the other wonderful beaches I’ve seen? I don’t know, there is just something about it. There’s an energy here. A calmness. So wonderful.

The resort, the Victoria Beach Resort is a 4 star, not a 5. But lovely! Perfect. Gorgeous open air reception. Beautifully pristine pool and wonderful bar / restaurant just meters away from the ocean. The sand is golden. Fishing boats dot the horizon. Mountains in the distance.

My room is wonderful. Jungle outlook but I can hear the ocean. Wooden floors, huge bathroom with a tub for two (she looks around...no, unfortunately no prospects). Large, airy, comfy bed.

But now I sit by the pool on a perfect perfect night. Nice balmy breeze blowing off of the ocean. I’m in a sleeveless dress and completely comfortable. I am so meant to live in the tropics. Except for the wild jungle hair!

As I type this I look out over the ocean and it’s dotted with lights! Bright lights on the horizon ringing the entire beach. Fishing boats I’m told. Crab and shrimp. Mmmm. I may have to enjoy some of their catch in a bit.

I’m listening to a rather loungy duo. He on a synth and she accompanying her. I’m sure I’d laugh at this music anywhere else. A bit too John Tesh for me. Oh here we go, a Bee Gee’s cover from the 70’s. But somehow it just makes the night even more perfect. Maybe it’s my second Singapore Sling. Who knows. All I know is that I’m blissfully happy sitting here in my sleeveless dress.

Okay, somehow we’ve morphed into “Freebird” (sung with a Vietnamese accent), but wait...somehow it goes incredibly well with “Baby I love your way.” And has me thinking of Mark Murphy. Whom I’ve been thinking about a lot recently for some reason. Must be my impending 30th reunion. BTW, if someone from Oconomowoc is reading this and actually knows where Mark Murphy is I’d love to reconnect with him.

But I digress, we’ve now moved on to the “Pina Colada” song...again sung with a Vietnamese accent. I shouldn’t be enjoying this so much!!!! Help, stop me! I think it’s time to stop drinking and start eating. More later.

15 September 2009, Get me outta here!!!!!

I seem to have two modes. 5 star luxury or camping. I’m just not a middle of the road kinda gal. I don’t mind roughing it. In fact I love it! But the trade off for ants in my bed is a tranquil natural setting, preferably where I awake to the sound of a waterfall. Not the incessant beeping of horns that is Asia. It’s actually quieter here than India, to be fair. And so much cleaner. And you rarely see men peeing against walls or along the side of the road (I did once yesterday on the highway.) But if I’m staying in a hotel I really do need something more luxurious. My bed was as hard as any Indian bed (luckily when I do sleep I can sleep anywhere on anything). The room was clean (no cockroaches thank god) but I did awake to an infestation of ants in both my bed and my computer (I spent an hour trying to exorsise them from my laptop....turns out they’re really not a fan of iTunes.)

Dinner last night looked completely unappetizing so I settled for a plate of noodles (tasted deliciously like the cheap Ramen we all used to eat at university) and vegetables. Breakfast this morning was a real treat! They did scramble me an egg and I had some bok choy which was done to perfection (just crispy enough), although cold when I ate it. Did they have it on ice? This is the tropics! Nothing is cold! The rest of the meal consisted of a surprisingly good crepe (with the most gelatinous substance known to man that tried to pass as strawberry jam) and coffee that more resembled mud. When I asked for milk they brought me a can and poured something into my cup that resembled white Karo Syrup. I declined any more quickly. Enough sugar though and I managed to get it down.

Today is a 4 hour car ride to My Son Ruins and then hopefully an upgrade to a 4 star beach resort on China Beach.